h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Its all so much more fun if you happen to live in a Conservation Area.

Conservation Areas are special areas put aside for the delight and entertainment of Planning Officers. The idea is that within these areas everything must remain as it is, or rather, as it was. This means that God (sorry, the Planning Officer) can decide exactly what the builders should have done maybe hundreds of years ago, what materials they should have used, what colours of paint they should have used, and what type of trees should have been planted etc etc.

He/she may then convince the dupes (sorry, councillors) that only rich well educated and literate people could possibly afford to live in said Conservation Area (This goes down especially easily in a Left Wing Council).

When a fall-guy (sorry, resident) comes along wanting, for example, to rip out rotting sash windows and replace them his chosen double glazed equivalent, the Planning Officer can have a wonderful time, first bombarding said resident with lots of papers written in a strange language (gobbledegook). He/she can also visit said resident at times when he is unlikely to be there (taking lots of time to do so, charging the Council for his/her expenses in doing so, maybe taking a colleague to double the effect/expense) and 'serve notice' (also written in gobbledegook) of impending prosecution, knowing that said bemused resident will be reduced to inaction by the impending threat. Then the fun can really start, Court, judgement, fines, failure to pay, and Jail! Collect £200, or whatever the expenses involved in all this time and trouble. And, the council can put in their own builders to re-instate, or do the work as it should have been done, and charge the resident accordingly, and then he can't pay that, so take him to court for non-payment, and so it goes on

Of course, it might be possible to warn incoming residents in their own language (which may include words of one syllable) of the rules and regulations involved in their choice of residence when they first visit an Estate Agent. But, why spoil the fun?

It never ceases to amaze me that people will go to incredible trouble when buying their dream car to find out all about it first. They buy the magazines, talk to the dealers, read the newspaper reviews, pore over the specifications, watch Top Gear and similar programmes and have a chat with that mechanic bloke in the pub who "knows his stuff". But they spend hardly half an hour with an estate agent before shelling out for a house that will cost them ten times as much.

The point is this...... take more trouble over your purchase for in Britain the law is "Buyer Beware".

Very true, and, of course it is so easy to feign ignorance after the event. I am very much in favour of Conservation Areas, but feel they should be enforced by education rather than jail (Which actually happened here, to a possibly illiterate resident)