The Alternative String Theory

1. Why String Theory?

Having completed extensive research on the theory of theories, I have determined that 'String Theory - The Alternative' spontaneously sprang into existence to explain all the other theories, and tie up all those annoying loose ends.

2. String Basics

Closed strings

· These are strings which curve back on themselves and are joined in some way.


· Perfect Closed Strings (PCS) have their ends neatly spliced together so you can't see the join, even with an electron microscope


· Imperfect Closed Strings (ICS) have the ends joined in some other way (e.g. SuperGlue). The joins can be made using either the SBS (strand-by-strand) method which looks very similar to a PCS to the untrained researcher, or the OGD (one-great-dollop) method, which even an ageing scientist with cataracts can spot at a hundred paces.


· BTS (Badly Tied Strings) are often confused with closed strings by the average tabloid reader, but careful examination will reveal there are still two open ends.

Open strings

· These are strings which are not closed - see BTS above.

Modes, gravitons (pronounced 'Gravy-tons')

· This a complex part of the theory (involving black holes, event horizons and the supply of instant gravy browning) which explains why strings can only be pushed if liberally coated in gravy browning and allowed to dry.

Interactions

· The most potent interaction observed during research into String Theory is the SKS or Self-Knotting Syndrome that many strings suffer when away from the 'mother ball'. This bears a striking resemblance to the ICT (Instant Cable Tangle) problem endemic in all computer and communications organisations. In both cases, the memory effect is sufficient to ensure a repeat of the problem no matter how many times they are un-knotted.


· Additional interactions include HRT (Horizontally Reducing Twist), PMT (Progressively Mutating Twist) and ETC (all other interactions).

Perturbation theory

· This part of the theory predicts the number of corporately-funded professors who are perturbed at the thought of their research grants being withdrawn following the publication of this document.

3. More Strings

There are more types of strings than Steven Hawking can shake a stick at, and each one is unique because of the variations in linear amplitude, and that's without considering sub-classes such as twine, cord and rope.

D-branes

· This special case resulted from the use of an old tape in the dictation machine, and we can't now remember if it was a reference to a particularly stupid researcher (P-brain) or a variation on the collective pre-free-radical string state (The Skane as an alternative to The Ball).

Superstrings

· These are really super bits of string that are made from some shiny stuff that looks really nice when used for present fastening.

Extra dimensions: Kazoo-Calvin-Klein theory

· There are two parts to this theory. Firstly, if Calvin-Klein put their name on a string vest and advertised it with a kazoo on the sound track, there would STILL be some morons who thought it was cool to wear the stuff (e.g. the P-brain mentioned above).


· The second part of the theory won't be available until the test-marketing and focus-group results have been thoroughly analysed.

4. Advanced Topics

String duality

· This states that a piece of string will always have two ends (or none in the case of a closed string). This is sometimes referred to as dual-duality.

M-theory

· This states that the 'mother ball' will always be greater than the sum of the strings. It also explains why you can push a ball of string.

Black holes

· These are places where God wasn't able to turn on the light because the string-pull had broken, and He knew that String Theory had yet to spontaneously appear. Besides, He didn't have any spare bits of string.

5. Summary

Unknown to past scientists, string theory provided a supporting framework for everything they held dear (Einstein, for example used it to hold his trousers/pants up).


String Theory is an exciting new area of research for the new millennium. It has the potential to put into perspective the great discoveries of the past.