h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am from a large family. My father and mother had seven children, of which I am the youngest. Then my mother died when I was a year old. My father remarried when I was two and my new mother was wonderful to me. She also had four children from a previous marriage(her husband had died also). My father and new mother had two children together, for a grand total of thirteen children. I would like to talk to other adult children from similarly large families. I'm curious to know if my problems attaching to anyone outside our family are normal.

dear Babyyvonne,
I too am from a large family and I can relate to your problem.
I am second oldest of seven children. During our growing years my mother was rather ill and father had to work a number of jobs to make end meet. The family became rather "tight nit" and looking back now, became rather self reliant.
As brothers and sisters grew and each began to bring home girl/boy friends and finally wives and husbands there were long periods of adjustment. My wife would often comment that it was difficult to "break-in" and become accepted. Again when I analyse this, I can see that she is right. The family did not readily accept outsiders and my sisters and brothers in law all had similar problems. Interesting to look back.
If I am honest, and I can be here on this site, I know that I am a very private person and don’t allow people to get too close or share my innermost thoughts. And that is a problem that I know I have to work on.
Is this similar to that which you are feeling?
I assume that you have had difficulty making friends (real friends).
I can sympathise.
Wiloky

Hi There,

I'm from a large family as well. I am the youngest of nine! It was a hillarious moment in my life when my boyfriend asked me if I would be intimidated by a large family of five, what a shmirk I had, and graciously asked him back, "not if you're intimidated by nine!" It's so true about the head count thing.

At this point I believe we've hit the two dozen mark on the next generation!

And...my oldest brothers and sisters are definetely old enough to be my parents, and I'm 39!

It's a wonderful journey knowing you can't possibly ever be alone!

And the get to-gethers are a trip! The differences in generations alone will provide conversation allllll day long!

Although we have a tight knit, outsiders are welcomed with open arms. This usually deters them from staying too long! LOL!

Don't fret too long on acceptance. Even though a large family is overwhelming, each being an individual is what actually makes up the whole family to begin with. Our individual experiences are what keeps us all together.

Best of luck!

Sue

Sue,

Good to hear from you.

Can I assume that your family remains close geographically ie are you living close enough to one another to get together regularly?. I think that living close by definitely adds to the real benefit of family especially the physical support, when needed (eg sickness, child minding, attending birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations).

In my case the various family (sisters and brothers) have moved to various locations up to 10 hours drive from each other. Finding the time and the mutually acceptable chance to get together is becoming increasingly difficult.

One of the real disadvantages for my part is the fact that many of the next generation are growing up quickly without direct regular contact with aunts and uncles and grandparents.

Wiloky

Hello from soon to be Grandpa to 18,

I am the parent of nine from my deceased wife of 37 years and now my 10th child from my second wife (her first marriage and first baby) who is younger than my first two daughters. However I am very concerned with my 9th child (son age 17) because I believe he sometimes struggles with what you have wrote about here.

Unfortunately it’s not so simple to answer in a little blog. But it is comforting to those who struggle with the same difficulties. Interesting that is also important to children from large families (5+ children). We assume numbers eliminate loneliness. Or is loneness more the “feeling” of not being connected? Many “only children” are quite content to be, by themselves. They have lived that way so much, they have learned to cope with it. So those that have been around more people, might have the tendency to “feel” more lonely than those that are from a small family with only one or two children.

Selfishness is not a problem when you are all by yourself. You can be selfish and not even know it. But when other people get around you, you might think it’s just protecting your possessions or your position or making the best decision (your way) of course.

There are so many variables: How we were raised, How much regular interaction with others of the family, Have the married-in folks fit into the large family they married into?, Personalities, Religion, Love language, Disabilities, common experiences in life, Education, Time management, Location, the social-ability of each person, mental stability of each person, the trust, honesty, and other character traits of each person. All of us MIRROR another person differently. MIRROR – how we connect with a person. We are all uniquely different and therefore will have a different relationship with people than others do.

There are always going to be certain people that “click” with someone while find “conflict” with another. And it’s how we handle ourselves in the presence of that person or persons. Friendship and closeness is a 2-way street. It’s not up to just one person. There isn’t any magic wand to make someone like you or love another person. Perhaps the question being addressed here is what brings people together into a strong friendship in the first place? Surprisingly both similarities and differences draw people together. What makes one kid at school a bully and another kid the one everyone is always picking on? Those that supply our emotional needs, we will automatically be drawn to with warm fuzzes. When both people get some of their emotional needs met, that creates the feeling of friendship. When one person is using or abusing another to selfishly get some emotional need met, that is hurtful and divisive.

One sad thing in large families after time goes by. Is the varying family discussion/gossip which causes their children or other relatives to sometimes wrongly pickup negative “feelings” against relatives because they take 3rd party offences up from a parent or other relative they have a good relationship with. This is how clicks within families begin. Between those that relate better than with the others. There is always a pecking order in families, at work and in school. Every group has their pecking order. Such is how friends and culture operate as well. Be it politics, religion, or any other controversial issues people “feel” strongly about.

The problems are primilary: UNFORGIVENESS and Grudges that end up causing broken relationships. Actually those that are “only children” suffer from this more than those from larger families, who learned to “get along” with a wider spectrum of people from childhood. Where many times “only children” are naturally loners, fearful of groups, overly sensitive, in short have poor social skills or could be said to be socially bankrupt in some ways. And these people are the ones who will then leave or avoid “the large family group meetings” because they are either “loners” all the time or they desire to be the ringleader of their own splinter group. Typically these people do not have a wide range of friends either. They have had few friends through life (though they maybe very close in one on one situations) and they may have a tendency to burn the bridges behind them. They rather “write people off” than be more understanding, kind, patient, and go the second mile again and again 7X70. WHY? They NEVER learned this social skill as a child. Our first seven years of life do so very much to our development as a person.

Having said all that, I am one of those only children. Consequently I do still struggle with being shallow in friendship relationships for the sake of peace. But I can excel in selling and other one on one interaction situations. But keeping things shallow for peace sake has been a hard lesson to learn for me. My children being raised in a large family have easily learned it. But there is a difference of always being the authority instead of learning to cope when you are just one of many in a group setting. I still struggle with being friendly for friendly sake just to keep the peace and fit in. As a teenager I just didn’t fit in, in any group well. I didn’t like to be there and frankly being in a large group scared me and I wasn’t at peace myself in that environment. So how we relate to our peers and whether we are truly able to be a “TEEM PLAYER” in society or a large family structure is determined largely by our personality and childhood.

Socialization alone I don’t think really answers this question in totality either. As I was public schooled and went to college and was surround by lots of people. But there is a difference between being one in a school or military company, or at work. And being at ease in a large family social gathering or political meeting. The first is structured time and activities in education or work. But we are addressing the social issues of friendship, family and marriage. In these the relationships are closer and typically thought to be more long lasting over time. You leave a school after your education. You leave a job one way or another. But relatives and friends should be relationships that are there through thick and thin over our lifetime. Women seem to flow in these relationships easier than men. Just as there are more women on the internet than men. Here it is the differences in the sexes in emotional needs, thinking, and how each processes the same information differently.

In general these differences could be described as God made Men logical cold closed administrators, while God made Women emotionally warm and open responders which make them better equipped to spend all day with a new baby who only cries, needs feed, and sleeps. How boring to a man. A man needs to have something to play with to win or get something, some gain, something to do that is logical so you can drive or manipulate it, he needs to be single-ally totally occupied with body, soul, or mind. Or he looses track of that subject and jumps to the next problem needing to be solved.

The women are cuddly, soft spoken, and in general more submissive paying attention to everything going on around them, to keep relationships going and smooth and peaceful. You have to feel sorry for the women libers, they have gone on manual over-ride of these natural womanly emotional drives, in their push to become equal with men (i.e. like men). No wonder real men started singing, “American Woman.” And now the liber whipped easy going men have turned into being wimps or crazy/wild.

Hence the great advantage of a man working hard to provide for his large family that he ultimately commands when he is present giving his wife a needed rest from the duties of child discipline and command in his absence. Then at the end of the day as she falls into his strong arms, yielding herself to his powerful love, they were uniquely created different to be perfect lifetime companions by God’s design.

This should not be thought to be an attempt to be exhaustive or exclusive of exceptions as I have not tried to lay down “the rules” but just to share some of my person observations and life experiences. When we come this far we realize that we have failed many times in so many different ways and unfortunately now there aren’t even any ways to FIX IT. That is sad, as Solomon said, all is vanity. But that is life, because it is so fast, so short, and we are so very limited in thought, inspiration, time, energy and money. Therefore choose careful what you will do, who you will marry, and how you spend your time, what work you shall follow, because ultimately at the end of your life. All you have is your children and family. They are almost all that really matter. And people are the only thing you can take to heaven with you. So use your time, energy, and money to further the kingdom of God and you will have an inheritance out of this world for ever.