The Truth About Airplanes
Created | Updated Feb 15, 2002
Airplane travel is impossible.
Anyone who's ever seen a 747 knows that a hunk of metal that big cannot possibly leave the ground empty, much less full of oversized passengers and all the junk they feel they have to cart along with them as they try to get away from it all. What really happens involves a complex system of holograms, hallucinogenic drugs, and pneumatic tubes.
How it really works
The details are tightly controlled but we know this much:
1. Planes don't crash, but tubes break, which explains all the fuss about oversized passengers. Think about it. If they were really able to get 350 tons of aluminum and ugly upholstery into the air, what difference could the biggest, heaviest tourist possibly make?
2. You think you're flying because of the drugs they pipe into the cabin. They call it "pressurizing". We've all heard stories of some poor sucker who's last words were something to the effect of
"Look at me! I can fly!" as he leaps off a balcony only to fall like a stone and be squooshed like a bug on the pavement below. We shake our heads in bewilderment at the report, but that's what happens when those drugs are used outside of the pneumatic tubes.
3."Jet lag" is really the drugs wearing off. The farther you go, the more drugs you have inhaled, the longer it takes them to wear off. This is why common "jet lag" remedies include drinking water and eating fresh fruit, these things dilute the drugs.
4. Small animals do not respond well to the drugs. This is why "airplane travel" is so dangerous to dogs and cats.
5. Some people do take to the drugs very well. These are the folk who fly to Jamaica or Hawaii or San Francisco or Indiana at the drop of a hat. They think they like to travel but it's really the "in-flight" drugs they are hooked on.
6. Smoking is no longer allowed because the union of cats who licked the canister thingies clean finally got a weekend off and threw a party to which they invited non-union members. It was a colossal disaster as the non-union cats were horrified at the union cats tobacco breath. Cats are nothing if not vain and smoking on "flights" was quickly outlawed. Alas, it was too late for the cats who now have a bad breath rep they can't shake.
7. They never worked out the kinks in the sound synchronization of the holograms. That's why you see a plane pass overhead and hear it a second later. They decided to give up and blame it on "the Doppler effect" (but it's just lazy programmers).
8. The hologram system was first tested out using "bumblebees." They don't exist either. They made them up to test the holograms without having to worry about people suspecting anything when they saw a bug that didn't match his sound exactly. It was a brilliant choice as when people either see or hear a bumblebee they turn and run. Slow or erratic flight was no problem while they fine-tuned the programs. Also, we have all heard the one about how the flight of the bumblebee is "aerodynamically impossible" but they fly anyway. That was a test too, to see if the idea of impossible flight could be sold on the public.
We are constantly seeking more information, but the people in charge are looking at us strangely when we come by to investigate. Since we have been very low-key about this, we think someone may have tipped them off. So we will lay low for a bit. Stay tuned.
Frequently asked Questions
Question: If the plane doesn't actually fly, it's just drugs, how do we travel to different places?
How long do the drugs last for anyway? And does this explain the quick fading tan I always get when going on holiday?
SallyM ACE (are you an Archer?)
Answer: Well you do travel! Only not in airplanes, but in pneumatic tubes! You know, the kind they use in drive thru bank tellers and big stores like Costco and BestBuy (only both the canisters and tubes used for travel are way bigger).
Quick fading tan? In some people this another side effect of the drugs. The drugs exit you through your pores. The melanin that produces your tan gets attached to the drugs as they are pooled briefly near your outer layer of skin. Later your tan fades as the drugs work their way out of your system completely. This is especially common in people who take short trips to sunny places. There is still a small amount in your system when you get the return trip dose.
The time required to be drug free again varies from one person to another and depends on things as diverse as hair color, musical ability, weight, and whether or not you eat pork rinds.
Another question asked by SallyM ACE (are you an Archer?)
Why pork rinds?
Answer: Pork rinds are not your average snack food. Pork rinds are processed pig skin, cured, smoked and fried in its own fat. Most of the skin fat is removed, giving the snack half the fat of potato chips. Pork rinds also have about 7 grams of protein and no carbohydrates - (many are shocked to find out they are allowed on the Atkins diet). It is the process of processing along with the SKIN fat that effects the "in flight" drugs. Humans do not like to be reminded of it, but in many ways our anatomy is a lot like a pigs (Where do you think they get heart valves from for surgery?). If you have been eating pork rinds (remember, this is fried pig skin) the drugs are diverted away from your own sun fried epidermis to the pork rinds and they attach there to exit you when the rest of the pork rinds do. You may have noticed that pork rinds are not offered on airplanes, this is why.
We were asked this by Lucinda (et al)
...but how do you explain the World Trade Center?
Answer: Of course it was a great tragedy as are all accidents and crashes involving "airplanes." Right now we are just working out the details ourselves here at the Research Center and you must remember that the government keeps this all very tightly under wraps. The theory one of our staff is working on is that the hijackers were able to make the canisters "jump the tracks" in effect. The hologram program kicked in with the necissary complementary images. The landscape is scanned into the program constantly, and CGI does the rest. The loss of life, as always, was tragic and very real.
A question recently posed by THE KID is:
How do you expain Wilber and Orvile?
Answer: They were part of the "History of Flight." It would hardly do to have people suddenly zipping across timezones with no explaination. The government knew what they were ultmately building up to and how they were going to sell it. They had time to lay the foundation for the premise while they constructed the pneumatic tubes. Of course the biplanes did fly, just as kites do. It's the kind made of hundreds of tons of metal that don't.
Do YOU have any questions? Feel free to ask us, we will try our best to find the truth behind the propagana.
