I've been thinking a lot about life lately and, having had nearly eighteen years of experience in the field, I've decided that it's high time I drew a few conclusions on the matter.

Fascinating thing, is life. It's a bit like a naff Christmas present from that great-aunt in Canada whom you've never even heard of; we're not too sure why it's here and we're damned if we know what to do with it now that it is. You see, the thing about life is that many of us seem quite content just to get on and do it (luckily for us, this is quite a useful pattern of behaviour; we can't all be sat around thinking about the ultimate purpose of our existence or we'd find ourselves running out of thinking material un-nervingly quickly), but throughout history there have been odd individuals that have taken a step back from the humdrum business of everyday life and said, 'Wait a minute, what's it all about?'

It is these people to whom I raise my hat.

Unfortunately, stuck in the uneasy situation of having nothing better to do, I have found myself pondering these time-honoured questions of my own accord and, even more unfortunately (for the rest of the philosophical world, at least), I have actually found the answers. Yes, after much time spent looking at hundreds of cases of life, ambition, feeling, contentment and success throughout the ages and after millennia of failed attempts I have finally found the answer.

But first you might like to be made aware of the question.

The question exists, as it always has done, in many varied forms: 'What's the point?', 'Why are we here?', 'What is our purpose?' and 'What is the proper conditioner to use on my particular type of hair?'

These questions are, as you can (and will) see, fundamental to our understanding of life and after careful analysis of historical figures, current behavioural patterns, and the world as it moves around me, I have found the answers. Yes, people, I have boiled down all human ambition, purpose, and reason for being into two short aims that every human is subconsciously living by. We, as human beings, exist to do the following:

1) Find a hairstyle we like

and

2) Keep it.

There you have it. Life.

You see, everything we do is, consciously or subconsciously, in the pursuit of one of these goals and, being the nice guy that I am, I'll explain to you my reasoning behind this theory and point you in the direction for a blisteringly successful time on this planet.

1) Finding a hairstyle you like.

Why, this isn't that hard, just kind of play around with a comb and some sort of mousse, gel, spray, setting lotion or some other kind of modern gunk. The key point with this one is in recognising when you've got the right style. Your hair should be an extension of your being, should represent your true essence, should allow people a glimpse at what you're all about and should, above all, make you look smoother than a baby's backside. Once you've got the style you're looking for (what I like to call the 'Golden-Do'), you are ready for the considerably more difficult and ever-ambiguous 'next step'.

2) Keeping it

This, unfortunately, is not nearly as easy as it sounds and is where most people historically stray from the path to a successful life. No, finding the right hairstyle is child's play compared to actually making a go of it. You see, to keep a hairstyle you like is entirely dependant on being in the favourable position to do so and this pursuit is what has driven all human endeavour since the dawn of time. Just as Neanderthal man spread and developed in order to allow for an easier life in which to fashion the tools and language required for finding a really killer 'do (a period in our history that I like to call the age of 'finding it'), we now live in the age of keeping it.

Unfortunately, the advent of civilisation and society had a twofold affect on the human race; all of a sudden it was a lot easier to go and get a hairstyle that was really you but, as is the way with these things, keeping it just as rapidly became an awful lot harder. You see, within the confines of society, certain hairstyles are not considered 'proper', and if one is to keep such a do then one has to be in the position where such trivialties as general public opinion don't make one jot of difference. This means that the person in question must possess the great societal influence and power that can be gained only through a lifetime of ruthlessly stepping on those whose hairstyles are inferior to his or her own. So, as you can see, all human ambition and, therefore, achievement is ultimately a quest to gain a position where keeping your favourite hairstyle is a genuine and feasible possibility. But, as with all too many things in the world, this is harder for some than it is with others and can, unfortunately, result in some rather extreme measures.

- Case in point: Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler had lived out quite a lot of his life before he finally hit on the killer hairstyle that he always knew he deserved. Now he finally had it. A regular side-parting... topped off with the now-infamous 'quadrilateral moustache of terror'.

'Yes', said Hitler, 'this is it. The real deal. This is my Golden-Do'

'What,' asked the rest of the word, 'is that awful little thing on his face?!' You see, the rest of the world just wasn't ready for Hitler's golden hairstyle and our ever-persistant friend Adolf wasn't about to leave it at that.

'Lebensraum, schmebensraum!' thought Hitler, 'This is my hairstyle and you'll bloody well learn to like it!'

I think it's safe to say that we all know what happened next.

Any history textbook will tell you that there are many more such examples of this kind throughout history. The conquering of nations and the founding of religions, every-day hostile takeovers of corporations through to much-publicised quests for fame and stardom (I mean, could Elvis have possibly sported his trademark quiff if he'd become a chartered accountant?)... they can all be traced back to one goal: the pursuit for and retention of the perfect Golden Do.

In a final note of closing I urge you to go; turn off your computer, fetch a mirror and style your heart away... And remember; once you've found your perfect style you must do everything in your power to keep it! It's survival of the slickest out there, and we're not talking baby-oil.