h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Being a tour guide, I found the story interesting, if not wholely accurate. Lets go thru the points one by one.

1. Lowest form of life? Please don't confuse us with taxi drivers. I have never been spat on, or derided. Ignored? Yes, but only by my customers. But, lets face it - they are in holiday mode, so their mind is generally floating off in space somewhere.

2. Unless you have the same customers on consecutitave days (very rear), they don't realise that you say the same thing every day. Incidentally, if they are bored - you're not doing your job properly.

3. Yes everything that goes wrong is the guides fault.

4. Yes you MUST know everything.

5. Yes you must make things up. But there is a fine line between a plausable answer and bulls**t.

6. Speak loudly? Generally if they haven't heard what has been said, it is probably because either it was said in a droll, monotone, uninteresting voice or because their mind is generally floating off in space somewhere (see point 1.).

7. If you make jokes a feature of the commentary, they will be laughed at (provided they are good!). If you only through in one joke during the day, they will not be aware it is coming, and will not laugh.

8. Definately. You MUST know where your customers come from and the level of their command of the english language.

Some other things not mentioned include:
1. You must be a diplomat. You must be able to settle disputes between customers, if they arise.

2. You must be able to make things right. If they have a problem with lunch, or whatever, you must be able to fix it.

3. If they through money (tips) at the end of the day (or whatever), you know you have given them what they wanted - a good time.