I know, I know. This makes me seem like I spend every waking moment
in the Trafford Centre. I don't. In fact, I hate the place, with its
fake classical columns and plaster cast sculptures and herds of Dawn Of
The Dead-esque patrons - but L wanted to look at shoes. So blame her.
Anyway, after a mooch and a coffee, we decided that we'd probably
better eat somewhere, if just to get something to write up for you
lovely people.

A bit of history here, Dexter's is another chain restaurant - part
of the 'Tootsies' chain. So there you go, more relevancy. You could
find one near you if you wanted.

Oh, and without wanting to give the game away too early, the
following review is written by a non-professional critic and does not
in any way reflect the views of the BBC. If only because none of the
BBC top brass eat at Dexter's.

For the Trafford Centre, it wasn't too bad at first glance.
However, despite the sea of empty tables, we were seated next to the
kitchen¹ and right next to a family of four. Two of whom
were under six, and who spent an hour stood on a chair staring at
me². Nothing to do with
the restaurant, you might think, but they could've seated us at any
one of 40 other quiet tables. Other than that, they played awful
music (Coldplay, The Fray, Keane) at a volume just loud enough to
irritate me and intrude on our conversation, and the decor is
crap.0.5/5

We were kept waiting for a table, kept waiting for the food, seated
in a bafflingly awful position, and the cheeky staff had the nerve to
automatically add a 12% service charge to the tab. We only tip 10% in
good restaurants... 0.5/5

It's a bar and grill. Not that being a bar and grill is a bad thing
- decent slabs of well-cooked dead cow slathered in a variety of
sauces is a fantastic concept, and one that's provided many great
meals in the past. It does mean, however, that the cocktail menu is
longer than the food menu.

Anyway, the starter. Given that pretty much everything involved
ribs or chicken wings, and a certain freaky eater that I'm
romantically entwined with can't handle eating meat off the bone, we
plumped for the tomato and mozzarella fondue for two (£7.95). It was
nice. Sort of. It wasn't eight quid's worth of nice, but it was ok,
even though mozzarella's stringiness makes it a bizarre choice for a
fondue. Actually, you can recreate this fondue at home. Take a tin of
Cream of Tomato soup, add a fair portion of grated cheese and a bit
of chilli powder, then wonder how anyone can charge eight pounds for
it.

The mains were uninspiring. L chose a Smokey Chicken Burger,
which was a slightly charred chicken breast on a bap, with some smokey
chipotle ketchup, Monterrey Jack cheese and some chips (£9.50). Yeah.
Ten pounds for a burger. You'd get the same for half the price in a
certain chain pub, and that'd come with a free pint. As L herself put
it, It was nice, but not worth anywhere near ten pounds.

I went for something from the 'House Specialty' menu, reasoning
that if it's a specialty it must be good. I'm a seafood buff, so I
jumped on the Catfish stuffed with cheese and spinach, served with
carrots and buttered mash. This, in hindsight, was a mistake. The fish
was dry and overcooked, tasted a bit like pond water, and was stuffed
with the world's least tasty cheese. I may have tasted spinach, but it
could have been pondweed. As for the carrots - I refuse to eat cooked
veg that you can't put a fork into, so I couldn't comment. Oh, and I
had to get L to check that the mash wasn't actually from a packet. All
in all, at half the price we'd think this meal was a bit steep for the
actual quality of the food. It wasn't half the price. The tab came to
£40 once we'd had a drink each. If you take 40 and divide it by ten,
you'd be over-scoring this food. 2/10

Dexter is an American drama about a serial murderer. Dexter's is an
American Bar and Grill that will make you want to be a serial
murderer. Don't go. 1.5/10

This column is open to contributions from all members of

the h2g2 community. All submissions are accepted on the basis that

they are honest and unbiased, and all opinions expressed are those of

the reviewers, who may not be professional restaurant critics. Send

your reviews to the usual submissions address.

Our Man in Milliways Archive

Psycorp

08.05.08 Front Page

Back Issue Page