h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Vomit. There. Said it, it's over and done with and we can now proceed without unecessary squeemishness. If you just use bleach to try and remove the stain it tends to end up in a few days to start smelling just like bleach and vomit. Instead, treat the area with WHITE VINEGAR, this will neutralise the acids in the vomit and it will also dissipate the smell. Afterwards you can use the bleach to get rid of the stain and any germs.

Clive

OK.

But what about the chunky bits?

I don't have the answers that you seek… but for the future, when setting-up house it may be advantageous to consider the following:

• Dripping taps
A: Use bottled water
* Washing-up
A: Use paper Plates
* Dusting
A: Employ a Cleaner
* Ironing
A: As Above
* Repairing clothes
A: Don't - Buy new ones
* Cleaning the oven
A: Don't cook
* Cleaning windows
A: Brick them up
* Creaking doors
A: Take them off
* Dealing with loose carpets
A: Floorboards are nicer
* Reviving sick plants
A: Put them in he garden where they belong
* Removing dog and cat hairs
A: Free the animals
* Getting rid of bad odours
A: If they don't disappear with he animals it must be you — Use deodorant
* Polishing silver
A: Sell it and use the cash to expedite the whole list
* Making sure shelves are straight
A: Don't make them yourself
* Making wine glasses sparkle
A: Play a Miles Davies CD
* Removing bobbles from woollen clothes
A: Keep them - they're fun
* Removing mildew
A: There are bugs that eat it, you know — you want they starve?
* Dealing with spiders in the bath
A: Clean Spiders are better than none - keep the flies down
* Making the bed
A: Buy one instead
* Odd socks
A: We all have the right to be 'odd'
* Raking the grass
A: Don't cut it
* Cleaning venetian blinds
A: Since you've bricked-up the windows— who needs them?
* Cleaning the toilet bowl
A: Pity the dog has gone — mine loves licking the bowl

My house is spotless (by my reckoning) but, above all … ITs HAPPY!
DON"T SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS

(Admittedly, I do have a full-time house-keeper)

Naturally the sick will still be have to scraped off the floor and deposited somewhere else. This is a tip for how to get rid of the stain and the smell. Sometimes there's just no way round the really icky jobs.

Clive

I *do* employ a cleaner. She makes my life so much easier, thus...

7.30 am. Cleaner due in 90 minutes. Aaargh! Mad rush to clean, dust, spritz, buff and polish things so that cleaner doesn't think I'm a slob (she would of course be right). Hide dirty underwear. Bin REALLY dirty underwear. Hide "dirty" (ie provocative) underwear so cleaner doesn't think I'm kinky.
8am Leave house to avoid encountering cleaner - she thinks I have a proper 9 to 5 job.
9am Realise I've forgotten to leave money for cleaner.
9.30am Return home to encounter cleaner reading my mail. Embarrassed exchange of pleasantries and Twenty Quid.
9.45am Point out that windows need cleaning. Cleaner sniffs. "Don't do windows cos of me back". Neither does she do 'fridges, ovens, chip pans or cat litter. (I don't have a cat. Perhaps she is trying to tell me my flat smells a bit?)
10am Cleaner makes tea, complains about lack of milk and asks whether I'm going to be late for work.
11am - 5pm Mooch around shops trying not to think about what cleaner might be poking about with in my flat. Contemplate shinning up drainpipe and peering through window, then remember it's too dirty to see through.
6pm Return home. Admire the way cleaner has moved every single item of furniture. Spend 3 hours moving it all back, and thus uncovering stains which cleaner couldn't be arsed to clean.
9pm Note marked absence of biscuits, tea, pile of nicely ironed clothes and assorted newspapers marked "please do not chuck out as I haven't read these yet".
10pm Sit down to watch video of "Eastenders".
10.05pm Discover that cleaner unplugged video and reset it.
10.06pm Watch unwanted 8 hour video of "International Golf", before falling asleep and having violent dreams about disembowellment of cleaner with a Dyson crevice tool.

Repeat once a week as necessary.

This is "labour-saving"?

A fiver to the first person who can tell me why I feel too guilty to ask cleaner to do things my way instead of her way. Twenty quid to the first person who can wipe my windows with complaining about their lumbar region.

Vinegar!!!!!

An ACID can't neutralise an ACID!!!!!!!!

so, how does it work then?

O.K then it must be the other way around with Alkalis and stuff. Still, you're right. I know vinegar is an acid as are the stomach acids in the vomit. But it does work. Maybe there is something... else...at work here? *cue: Tales from the Darkside music*

Clive

Er, "Why do you feel too guilty to ask your cleaner to do things your way?"

Alternatively, kick her arse out the door, and get another one. Then again, as you don't seem to have to work, why not do it yourself?
Nah, I can't be arsed either!

A pet dog is invaluable help when cleaning up chunky vomit

let me just say that i am speachless
AA

So was the dog — it glued his teeth together

My dog's got no nose...

How does it smell?

Awful.

ouch! that was a bad one
AA

Apologies for the subject matter.

no apologies needed...at least you do know how to get everyones attention
AA

If I might change the subject matter to something a little more wholesome - citric acid is great for descaling kettles: fill your kettle about 2/3 full with water and bring to the boil. Slowly pour in a small pack of citric acid powder, and it will bubble like crazy and get rid of all the limescale. It only takes a few minutes too, much better than all those fell proprietary descalers that take hours and hours.

Duly noted.

Clive

Do I understand then that you can descale your kettle by vomiting in it?

Oh, dear, this is getting bad. ;_)