Thee Incredible Weirdness of Being
Created | Updated Oct 7, 2004
Robert Anton Wilson once said that 'The best place to hide something is out in the open. Nobody ever thinks to look there.' He was most definitely correct. I know. I am now experiencing that same truth.
The day before yesterday1, I got a mobile phone. Goddess, I hate those things. I can se it standing on my desk, staring at me, begging me to use it, to like it, to enjoy its stylish exterior and useless features with s****y ringtones. At the top of the screen is a thick black bar. Below that is 00:00. I have no idea what that is. It's not the time, since it always says that. Hmm... The screen just flipped. Now the numbers are at the top and the bar is at the bottom. Does anyone have any idea what's going on here?
Remember several weeks ago when I said that the Matrix exists, heck consists of communication? This is it. We are all supposed to be in constant communication with each other across great distances, sidelining those we are talking to at the moment. Our lives become global soap operas on a level not seen since Greek mythology, and we ignore all the most pressing issues. We consider it impolite to interrupt someone in person, yet think nothing of interrupting them from a great distance away. Do you really want your great date
or night out interrupted by someone who can't find the remote control? If they turned up at the bar/cinema/restaurent/whatever to ask that, we would deem them pathetic losers. Time spent with people is becoming denigrated as many of us do not really mind breaks in excellent proceedings to deal with trivial home matters.
Since the assassination of JFK, the USA has been in a state of emergency. You'd think that at some point between then and 9/11 they would have downgraded it, but this is part of the conspiracy. Towards the end of his second term, Shrub will declare martial law, as the
president can do in a state of emergency. The USA will become the most conservative patriarchial homophobic xenophobic dictatorship ever, and it will conquer the United Nations. It will then establish a one-world government in service of Ahriman and ruled by Shrub, who is truly the Great Beast 666. Barcodes will bring about his power and no-one will resist, because they will all be too bust talking on mobiles.
Now, I am not totally anti-mobile. They do have some good points, and are no doubt very useful for salespeople, mobile doctors and vets, and other people who must travel a lot. For others, however, they are an annoying and self-indulgent luxury, surpassed only by SUVs and CXTs. Also, video phones would no doubt be very useful for deaf people, as they could then carry on a telephone call with someone important or dear to them across distances. Why, then, is it so hard to get a video landline, and even harder not to get a mobile with digital camera?
In case you are wondering, I was forced to obtain my mobile. My mom thinks that I need one somehow, despite the fact that I have lasted eighteen years without one. She claims that they have not been around for eighteen years, and she is right. They have been here for at least twenty.
Let's take a look at some of the useless features on this thing. First, there are 'webtexts.' When I signed up under duress, I got a special offer: 300 free webtexts. Lucky me. Webtexts are text messages sent from a PC to a mobile for a fee. My mobile has text messages for about the same price, and my PC has email for free - plus, with email I am not restricted to 160 characters. Clearly I am very lucky to win this great prize.
What else...? At the top of the face, there is a d-pad worse than that of an Xbox. In the memory, in the phone box, there is something called a voice tag. WTF is that? Something caled 'My Numbers,' which is now empty. Another useless feature, and I specifically requested a lack of such features. Text messages, multimedia messages, I specifically asked not to be included. Chat - I can do that on the Internet, and anyway, isn't that the whole purpose of mobiles? Vioce messages - so in other words I can leave a message directly in someone else's memory without the inconvenience of actually talking to them and sorting out whatever I wanted to sort out faster. I don't even want to know what info messages are. Tones menu? My Sakhmet strike down whoever came up with that! Profiles - OK a mobile is not a f*****g computer!! Settings, ditto. Gallery - the one in the shop specifically told me that there
was no camera, and there doesn't seem to be, yet I can still, apparently, store images. Games - Allah, Michael, Ra, Osiris, please deliver me from this s**t! I already have a NES, a Game Boy, and a GameCube, so I do not wish to be able to play Atari games and board games on a telephone. Organiser? OK one is supposed to register online, which implies that they have a PC. What the f**k do we need organisers? It also includes a primitive calculator, a virtual wallet for everything but money, and a few functions that my watch does far better, easier, and less annoying. By Shekinah, mobiles should truly be eliminated!
And now for a little anecdote. In secondary school, I did rowing, but quit because I didn't like some of the guys in there. However, while in there, we were at one point supposed to be training at 7:00 am. This was later postponed to 11:00 am, as the senior crew wanted to go up at 7:00 and needed our boat. All very well, but no-one called me. Therefore, I was up at 6:00, as was my dad, who had to bring me in as the roads were simply too dangerous to cycle. I then ended up waiting atound for several hours for the start time and, when the other guys arrived, do you know what the guy who was supposed to call me said? He
had run out of credit on his mobile. It would never occur to him to get more, or use a payphone, or (Heaven fobid) a landline!
However, the absolute worst thing about mobiles is this credit bull****. It lasts for six months, and you can only receive calls for up to a year. If you don't make a call in six months, it freezes unless you buy at least €5 extra credit. Based on how much I used phones
prior to this, I would end up paying about €2.50 on average at least for each call I make. People justify this by saying that I will still have access to that extra credit as soon as I top up, but that is pointless if I don't use it.
So, by the great Goddess and God, Shekinah and Allah, by all the angels and archangels of the Qabala, and by all the gods of Ancient Egypt, I pray, let the era of mobiles end soon.
Until we meet again, my friend, this is Hussassan, signing off.
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