h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Doctors have been struggling to diagnose me for the past 4 years and I've had countless lower and upper GIs, CT scans and 2 Cystoscopies. They are painful in and of themselves, but the worst part is that they aggrivate my condition terribly. While it's going on I feel like punching the doctor I'm in so much pain, but afterwards I just feel like curling into a little ball until the spasming goes away.

The topical anasthetic they use doesn't really do anything. The doctor PROMISED me it wouldn't hurt and during the procedure I almost reached down and ripped his nose off on principle alone. You survive it, but it HURTS and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I, female, had to have a cystoscopy once, or maybe I had a few, I can't remember. As a result, I got chatting to the urologist and ended up working for him. Typing his reports on examinations of patients revealed some pretty hair-raising stuff. (Pubic that is)

The only way to get through a cystoscopy or any kind of painful treatment or examination is to ask thorough questions and find out exactly what is going on. You will then find the subject (especially as it is you) so interesting, it takes your mind off the actual painful part. Rule number two is relax. This is obvious, contracted muscles make life much more difficult for the doctor, but not easy. Rule number three is : remember what it was like not to be in pain and think about this state and look forward to enjoying it again afterwards.

I got through three births, a miscarriage, a removal of wisdom tooth and various cysto- and proctoscopies like this. If the doctor doesn't start talking to you about your holiday to distract you, which he should, then start up a conversation yourself. My three sons were circumcised at the age of 5, while singing nursery rhymes and silly songs.

I've worked in a unit where literally thousands of cystoscopies are performed every year! basicall there a 2 types of cystoscope : rigid & flexible...rigid cystoscopes are pseed under general anaesthetic i.e. when you're asleep, there is some pain when passing water aftrewards but the more u drink, the quicker this resolves! Flexible cystoscopes are literally that - flexible! and about the same diameter as a daffodil stem!! these are passed using local anaesthetic that comes like a tube of toothpaste & is squeezed up the urethra ( the penis in a man!). Unfortunately most local anaesthetics take 20minutes to reach their maximum effect and rarely is it left insitu this long but fortunately the one thing that makes a cystoscopy relatively pain-free is liberal lubrication! most local anaesthetic gels are used more as a lubricant than a local anaesthetic. Could go on for hours but as i do this thing all day as an ocupation i cant be arsed to talk about it in my recreation time too!

I don't care WHAT you say about lubrication or distraction... the damn procediure just HURTS.

At the risk of sidetracking the discussion too much, what on earth happened to your children that three of them suddenly needed circumcision?!

I think the technical word in English is fimosis. (That's the German word anglicised). A tight foreskin, causing soreness underneath. If it doesn't go away, which it usually does, it can cause greater distress after puberty. All my boys were very pragmatic about it and we didn't make many bones about the whole affair. They all had it done just before they started school.

As I may have mentioned above, I was working for the urologist at the time and he was an Arab. We have a very high Turkish population where I live and he did a lot of the ritual circumcisions - that is, he refused to do them the traditional way, although he was a Moslem himself. He would perform the operation in his surgery, and the family would then go to the town hall which they had booked for the day and have a great big party there. The young Turkish lads (about 6 or 7 they looked) wore a white garment similar to the one the local Catholic kids wear for their first Communion for this ceremony.

The families always wanted the foreskin afterwards as a keepsake.

If I hadn't been working for the urologist, I may not have had it done, because the paediatrician was dead against it. Here in Germany they try and talk you out of it, saying that it is too traumatic for the children. Well, as I say, mine took it in their stride very well and have never had any problems since either physically or psychologically.