Okay, see if you can stay with me on this.


Uvula, my wife of umpteen years, told me that she couldn't

find her bathing suit, which didn't fit anymore anyway,

because somebody had lost it for her, probably me or Shnooks.

So, last evening, after I had taken Shnooks on an expensive

shopping trip to get her an new bathing suit to replace the

two-year-old one that kept giving her a 'wedgie',

Uvula planned to go shopping for a new suit herself

when she got off work two hours before the planned

visit to a Marching Band Swim Party.

Only I determined by consulting our bank account online

that a check that we had written the day before payday

hadn't cleared yet, so we really didn't have much money.

So Uvula went to the party and didn't go in the pool.

Cut to fifteen minutes ago
So, Uvula is going to go over to a friend's house.

The friend has a pool.

I hear her swearing and tearing through the bedroom,

bitching about something she couldn't find.

After inserting my Uvula-speak Babble Fish,

I learn that she is looking for her bathing suit.

"The one you said was lost?," me asked.

"No, that was the black one. I'm looking for the other one!"

"What 'other one'? You said you only had one and it was lost."


"No, that was the black one. You guys lost it a month ago. This one

is the one I was using just the other day, the flowered one."

"So, you had a bathing suit yesterday and didn't need to go buy one,

just find the one you still had."

"No, I needed to buy a new one because this one doesn't fit, and

anyway, I can't find it because you guys probably lost it, too,

or it's sitting at the bottom of the hamper, mildewed."

So, I dutifully started digging through piles of clothes, the clean ones

that hadn't been put up by anyone and the dirty ones.

No suit. Then I had a brainstorm. I looked in the luggage that Uvula

had used on her last trip to Austin. There be the suit.

When I went and stopped her imprecations by waving it in her face,

was I thanked? No, she said,"Well, who would have thought to look

there? I thought you guys emptied all the clothes out of there

when you were washing last week. Thanks for nothing. I can't

find anything around here..."

Then she threw a panic because she couldn't find her keys.

I looked out the door and saw Shnooks sitting in the vehicle.

I said,"I think Shnooks has them."

She said,"I can't find my daughter, either!"

"She's sitting in the vehicle."


"Well ask her if she's got my keys!"

"How do you think she got in the vehicle?"

"I don't want to play 'twenty questions' with you! Just help

me find my keys!"

Slowly and carefully, I said, "Shnooks has your keys."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?!"


And I alone survived to come and tell you the tale...