h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I like pretzels, particularly the ever popular "super pretzel" brand featured at many sporting arenas. But an evil force has descended on the pretzel world and its name is Wendels (or possible a different bagel company). They have started replacing super pretzels at some places with their inferior product. It is terrible, it is essentially a ugly bagel shaped like a screwed up pretzel and doused with salt. If I wanted a bagel with salt I could get it on my own, I really dislike these things.

Yuck!

I'll tolerate a 'soft' pretzel, but the hard, break-your-fillings kind are the best.

I like that Super Pretzels aren't too hard, but aren't too soft. Those bagel pretzels I told you about are also all mushy like bagels, who wants that. I need something to chew on.