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Why the English are Bad at Sports

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See here, chaps, I know it goes against everything that years of school dinners have taught us, but it's just not working, so let's jolly well go out in the future and put on some side! Pip, pip, and toodleoo!

Old Sport

Many observers have commented on the consistency with which English sports teams lose at sporting events, such as the Cricket World Cup, held on English soil. Noticeably this effect diminishes when those of non-English stock are added to the equation, as in the recent case of Manchester United.

What must be made clear, for the benefit of those who may conclude from this that the English are simply poor at sports, is that, left to their own devices, they actually prefer to lose, especially when the tournament is held on home territory. This is because it's damned bad form to 'put on side'1.

From an early age, English children are taught to swallow their pride, no matter how unpleasant that might be, and, to aid them with this concept, English schools have created the School Dinner, a traditionally repulsive meal, usually consisting of some ghastly combination of cabbage and prunes.

Of course you can't expect such crude tampering with delicate young psyches to pass without any consequences for later life, which is why the English, at home or abroad, are often discovered swilling down vast quantities of taste-free lager (to ritually wash away the bad taste) and generally wreaking havoc with public property - a straightforward displacement activity, unsurprising when seen as a reaction to a lifetime's accumulated humiliation.

1Putting on side means gloating or crowing over a victory or the misfortunes of others.

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