Client: Mr. S. Stevens

Property: This Ole House

Background

On 28 March 1981, the Client, Mr. Stevens stated publicly that he no longer needed the property known as This Ole House and would be looking to pass it on imminently. Indeed, Mr. Stevens indicated quite specifically that he "ain't a-gonna need this house no longer, he ain't a-gonna need this house no more".

As such we at Trout, Trout, Old Spice and Trout were commissioned by Mr. Stevens to carry out a full structural and architectural survey in order to determine what ameliorative action, and costs thereof, would be required to fully restore the property.

General Description of the Property

The first impression of This Ole House is of an erstwhile substantial family home gone-to-seed through general neglect. The garden, although overgrown, features significant numbers of mature specimen plants as well as some children's playground equipment. This evidence of juvenile habitation is consistent with one of the downstairs reception rooms which features crayon scribblings on the walls at below dado-rail height.

There is clear evidence of familial domesticity. The kitchen would have once been considered as fully-equipped, although, now at best, it can be described as 1980-kitch. There is no dish-washer and the standalone oven and fridge-freezer would almost certainly be built-in, in a modern kitchen. A smashed plate on the floor above which there is evidence of food (baked beans maybe) once adhered to the wall indicates some minor domestic strife.

Thus, it can be concluded here that This Ole House once knew children and wife, home and comfort ringing with laughter as together they fought the storms of life. However, now the property can be described as tuckered out.

Specific Problems

Mr. Stevens specifically reported troubles during foul or inclement weather. It is plain from discolouration of the plasterwork and sagging ceilings in the upstairs rooms that the roof lets in water. Moreover, sensitivity detectors were installed in all rooms the results from which it can be deduced that This Ole House trembles in the darkness and is afraid of thunder storms. This Ole House just groans and trembles when the night wind flings out its arms. Indeed This Ole House is gettin' shaky, This Ole House is gettin' old, This ole house lets in the rain, This Ole House lets in the cold.

Moreover, quite possibly, vandals have entered the property at some stage and removed some of the floorboards and smashed several windows. This would be consistent with Mr. Stevens' statement that he had gotten chilly whilst on his knees.

Generally, the doors all squeak, and the property is in need of a lick of paint.

Furthermore, despite Mr. Stevens protestations that the property is haunted ("But I feel no fear nor pain 'cause I see an angel peekin' through the broken windowpane"), it is suggested that evidence of discarded substances indicate that Mr. Stevens may have been hallucinating.

Recommended Repair Works

This ole house is gettin' feeble, this old house is needin' paint. And whilst we recommend immediate repair to the roof, the floor and windows, Mr. Stevens has indicated that he ain't got time to fix the shingles, he ain't a-got time to fix the floor, he ain't got time to oil the hinges, nor to mend no windowpane.

In fact Mr. Stevens statement that he's "gettin' ready to meet the saints" indicates that his priorities are in sporting endeavour rather than home restoration.