In Other Words
Created | Updated Jun 23, 2004
As I awake from my peaceful slumber on the morn of Tuesday, June 22nd, a terrifying and undeniable thought will crawl into the deep recesses of my mind, jolting me into a harsh reality:
Today is the longest day of the entire freaking year.
I know! I know! How horrible! You undoubtedly say! I can barely find constructive
ways to occupy a normal day, let alone the longest one! But please do not fret, my fine friends.
For I, too, am faced with the daunting dilemma of trying to figure out what in God's name I'm going to do with all that extra time.
On any normal day, I start feeling useless right around 10 o'clock at night. It's then that I
accomplish some of my more, shall we say, pointless tasks. Gathering all the coins in my room, stacking them into a miniature replica of the Eiffel tower, then knocking them over with a hairdryer. Or,
reading the 42nd page of every book I own. On more desperate occasions, I've even been known to
do such awful things as laundry...or the dishes. Therefore, when I was reminded that the longest day
of the year was fast approaching, I of course panicked. Thus, I feel it is my duty as a clever, witty,
and wise Post Reporter to give you the low-down on how to occupy those precious moments of the
Summer Solstice:
- Play video games. As a brand new owner of a Nintendo Gamecube, I can honestly, and without
reservation, say that video games are the absolute number one way to waste countless hours without
even trying. What feels like ten minutes could actually turn in to three days. - Become pagan. These pagans, you know, I think they've got some pretty bright ideas. I mean, they worship what they can see: nature, trees, mother earth, etc. Of course they've got a few wackos who worship things like lampposts and mailboxes, but every religion's got their loonies. The pagans celebrate the Summer Solstice as a day of light, beauty, joy, birth, and all the dandy things that make a party a party. Becoming Pagan--even for one day--would turn this lengthy day into one big hooplah!
Speaking of Summer Solstice, there is something I don't understand. Yes, I know, difficult to
accept, that is, as I am famous for my keen intellect (Why, just recently I discovered my pinkie toe). Namely, Stonehenge. Not so much what it's for, but how they could have possibly put it there in the
first place. The stones aren't indigenous to the area that they're currently in, they're amazingly
gargantuan, and they're stacked on one another? I think the Druids were hiding
something.
DRUID 1: Hey Jeff! Come help me hoist this big freakin' rock on top of this other big
freakin' rock.
DRUID 2: What, are you crazy? Do you honestly expect us to do it ourselves? We'll use the
Huge Ultra Mega Amazing Robot that Kenneth built just ten minutes ago.
ZOOP FOOP BZZZT CRUNCH ZIT BUUZ
DRUID 1: Oh, well that's much easier then, isn't it.
It's true. I heard it on TV.
So what's my point in all this nonsense? Don't worry about trying to fill every waking moment of
this long, long day. I myself will probably lay out in my yard and stare at the sun. Just kick back,
relax, and if you need something done, get the Robot to do it for you.
Your Little h2g2'er,
