"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have to put the backslash in parentheses. No, I don't know how to spell it."



"I'm sorry, sir, I'm the only one in the office at the moment, and the complimentary popcorn machine needs to be filled. Can I get back to you and try to fend off your question in about ten minutes?"



"I'm sorry, miss, but we've just gotten a new phone system and I'm going to have to ask you to call me back at extension #237 in five minutes. In the meantime, I will try to figure out how to answer my own phone as I am standing at the desk across the corridor right now."



"I'm sorry, young man, but we've had to update our files recently because of a software upgrade and somehow we lost your account. Would you mind giving me your old account number so that I can put it on the list and please come in whenever it is convenient and open a new account? Oh, you had money in there? Imagine that. Well, you will have to bring in a statement of your most recent accounting of the funds in that account, three forms of identification, and fill out a request form for accruement of lost funds. How long will it take to get your money? I'm sure I don't know, sir. We are not supposed to make promises, but I can tell you that it will take ten to thirty working days to determine whether or not you are entitled to open a new account with us if you have a history of blaming this bank for your inability to keep track of your own money...



"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we have recently changed the color of our forms. If you originally filled out a buff, you will now have to resubmit a canary, and if you originally filled out a robin's egg, then you will now have to resubmit a field meadow green..."



"I'm sorry, sir, over the holidays, they repainted our offices and some of the computers are still under tarps. Unfortunately, many of the papers and forms that were left on the desks now have footprints in the shade of "desert dawn" on them and we are doing our best to identify the effected parties so that the papers and forms can be duplicated."



"I'm sorry, miss, but we don't have a copy of your file at the present time. Half the staff of this department has been round-robined during the mid-quarter cross-training initiative and some things are proving hard to find on the hard drives. Do you have the original version of the file? No, a copy won't do. We must have an original. Well, that is neither here nor there, miss. The old department may have kept the original and given you a copy, but the current department policy is to keep a copy and send the client home with the original. If you would like to come in and we can start a new file, then I'm sure we can sort this out... Yes, miss, there is likely to be someone else answering this phone next quarter... And when is that? Are you being facetious? No, I don't know how to spell it..."



Yes, sir, we know that your wife's extremely necessary operation is supposed to take place next week, but it seems that the forms you filled out detailing the lien on your riding lawn mower have been submitted out of order. If you wouldn't mind coming in and helping us make sure of the proper order of the pages... What? The page numbers are on the bottom of each page in the center? Well, that won't do, sir. The way our filing system is set up, only page numbers on the upper right hand part of the page are visible from the file folder. This will have to be corrected. No, a fax won't do. It could come from anybody. We need a freshly-typed or printed original version submitted by hand... Well, sir, the fact that you live two states away didn't seem to make a difference when you submitted the forms before... It was sent by registered mail? Well, then, it shouldn't have been accepted at all. Sir? What? Are you threatening me? Do I know who you are? Well, it says here that you are a General of some sort... No, Sir, if you will calm down a bit, I don't know what a B-52 is... Oh. And they can do what? With a single Missile? Um. Hold please, while I transfer you to Records...