The following events took place at the Butlins resort in Bognor Regis between Friday 7 May and Saturday 8 May 2004. No badgers were harmed in the making of this log.

Friday

1907 - Serephina, EV and fords arrive at the Lamb Inn in Bognor Regis to find 2legs, Genie, Reefgirl, Excelsior and 'some bloke'*

1908 - Discussion about 2legs' pants ensues

1910 - fords complains about English bar prices

1932 - 2legs likes the smell of napalm in the morning

1935 - Serephina and fords have a fight

1940 - 2legs: "I told him to f**k off, but Creachy's alright"

1955 - "Is there a plot to split up the meet?"

1956 - Previous entry explained

2000 - Reefgirl found standing outside the gents, apparently waiting for 2legs

2002 - For the last year, Serephina said she'd snog fords if she stood on a box and pretended to be a pirate. After saying she doesn't usually snog random people, Serephina is surprised to find out fords' real name is Tracey

2011 - Serephina knocks first drink of the weekend over. Much swearing ensues

2011 - 2legs threatens to lick EV's trousers

2012 - 2legs sees dead people - and snogs them*

2016 - Burping competition starts between Serephina and 2legs

2040 - Genie and Northern Boy return from finding the chalets at Butlins, complaining they've "busted their arses humping bags"

2043 - 2legs offers EV money, however it is unclear why

2045 - EV and fords can't remember Northern Boy's real name, having just been introduced. They decide to call him Bruce

2051 - Justin arrives. 2legs wets himself

2052 - 2legs realises he's wet himself

2055 - Justin arranges for 2legs to have Sex on the Beach

2100 - 2legs asks Northern Boy if he's an axe murderer. He replies only in his spare time

2106 - Serephina 'ho yus!'ed into submission

2114 - The group leaves the pub for Butlins

2200 - Whilst 'testing the bed', EV and fords invite Serephina (who was caught peeking round the door) for a threesome and are told to f**k off

2305 - Barry White did not sleep with Britney Spears

2319 - Genie has a blonde moment

2333 - fords licks her own elbow

2334 - 2legs tries to do the same

2334 and 30 seconds - 2legs licks his toes

2335 - Gives up due to smell

2347 - EV and fords: "Let's get pished again, like we did last summer...."

2356 - Reefgirl asks 2legs "Who or what is Nighthoover?". 2legs obliges

Saturday

0024 - fords describes the classic children's game "Shite Alight"

0051 - Spillage: Serephina does it again

0055 - Further spillage. Guess who?

0108 - Everyone flagging apart from Serephina, who wants to go out

0120 - 2legs has gone; Serephina excited about Genie's drawers

0127 - David Bowie suggested as voice of Davros in new Dr Who series. EV's Bobby Davros joke ignored

0130 - Ellie: "I don't care if my pants are showing". 2legs not present

0155 - Genie mishears "pig oinking" with filthy results

0200 - Genie asks Dmons to turn on her camera so she can take a photo of a drunken Serephina

0205 - No more vodka for Genie.....something about ostrich feathers?

0211 - Genie tells all about spending a long time choosing her shop (not top!)

0214 - Serephina answers the door, however it's next door's door being knocked

0216 - Reefgirl opens the door in her nightie*. Genie gets down on her knees

0221 - Serephina asks for Genie Juice for breakfast

0230 - Genie admits to not washing for a year and a half

0230 - Genie realises she hasn't brought a whip with her

0239 - Genie: "Why do these things keep popping out of my mouth?"

0320 - Genie: "I will find a spanky stick"; Dmons: "Your hand is fine"

0330 - Dmons and Genie last ones awake - hardcore!!

1200 - Bacon 'pieces' all round

1205 - First prize of the weekend goes to Serephina for being the clumsiest moo ever

1237 - Justin sets kitchen on fire

1241 - Serephina wants to lick EV's arse with cheesecake

1242 - fords cleans her ears out

1243 - 2legs suggests the group starts drinking again

1245 - The Badger song is totally mutilated

1246 - 2legs invents fire. Serephina explains to him he's holding his lighter the wrong way up

1307 - Various ways to dispose of celebrities in the name of entertainment discussed. Ideas include Celebrity Bomb Disposal, Real Life Celebrity Deathmatch and Celebrity Medical Testing

1317 - My Favourite Operations

1400 - Genie, Dmons and Ellie go back to bed while the rest of the gang go out for food

1400 to 1700 - The following takes place in the Sun and Moon pub:

Reefgirl eats huge slice of chocolate cake then complains about it; Serephina is given a bib; Justin eats 1lb of cow pie; mickey taken out of wedding party (all six of them); fords gets forked by Serephina; EV opens wide for the 'big aeroplane'; fords gives Serephina her strapon back*

1720 - Back at the chalet, Serephina and fords play Stareout. Serephina insists blinking is in the rules

1721 - Strange mystery random woman invades chalet, claiming wrong room. 2legs not impressed

1730 - Justin makes vodka jelly and says it will be ready in four minutes

1745 - Vodka jelly still not ready. General disappointment and disillusionment

1746 - Nighthoover knocks on the front door and runs away

1756 - 2legs reveals the key to a balanced diet: a drink in each hand

1757 - Genie makes Genie Juice - Sex on the Beach

1758 - Reefgirl: "It goes down really smooth"

1759 - EV is concerned about sand in his bits

1759 - Northern Boy more worried about pebbles

1835 - 2legs shows the group his thong

1839 - After being sprayed with glitter, 2legs lights a fag and explodes in a cascade of stars

1844 - Serephina manages to break a glass

1900 - Dmons finally surfaces

1906 - Lots of people drink Rolf Harris's urine...apparently!

1916 - Reefgirl gets the Jesus Award for feeding the 5,000. Well, 11 people

1929 - Ellie disappears with Dmons. Nudge nudge, wink wink, WSBO, say no more!

1932 - fords happy to drink anything except Guinness

1933 - EV and 2legs disappear together

1939 - Nighthoover's hairbrush found. World War 2 breaks out

1940 - "Moon Unit! Your dinner's ready!"

1942 - fords to EV: "Isn't it great to be Scottish and take the piss out of other people's accents?"

1942 - 2legs has a friend who is a secret ned

1953 - 2legs wants girl on girl action. Post-war depression blamed

1954 - 2legs has a feel of Ellie's 'bondage shoes'

2011 - EV: "I've just been getting dressed"

2012 - Reefgirl invents the h2g2 Cocktail: vodka, peach schnapps, Southern Comfort and orange juice

2013 - Serephina: "Don't ask why Tracey's covered in my lip gloss"

2030 - EV says he doesn't mind Serephina snogging fords, as long as he can watch. And take pictures. 2legs wishes Wumbie was here as there would be better pictures

2046 - Serephina is a 'geezer bird'. 2legs says all girls should sit with their legs open

2102 - You can get fellatio on the NHS, allegedly

2130 - Genie wants to know if Serephina and Justin are coming out. Northern Boy doesn't know but will contact a reliable source for information...

2155 - fords finally gets her way with Serephina. 2legs wants to know where his snog is

2156 - Genie takes Justin to bed - eventually!

2200 - Everyone heads out for Badger Inferno!

See Part 2 here.