Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

As Bertie and I entered the parlour, Hobbes abruptly ended the conversation he was having. 'It's Elspeth. You know... your wife.'

'Indeed. Is there another?' I quizzed with a smile.

Bertie looked at me. 'Elspeth is at Merrick's?'

I nodded and realised I'd omitted to share this piece of information with him. Bertie gave me a worried look.

Hobbes thrust the two parts of the telephone at me, fair bruising a rib in the process (well, it felt like it). 'Please. Just talk with her.' His tone was most agitated.

Taking the device, I proceeded to speak to her. Looking round, I could see both Bertie and our host clucking at my discomfort. 'Knolly here. Hullo Elspeth....'

What followed (after being told in no uncertain terms that 'there was no need to shout' as she could 'hear my voice very well over the wires, thank you') was a very long conversation. When I say 'conversation', I actually mean long periods during which I listened, managing to get in the odd 'Oh!' and 'I see' and 'Dearie me' by way of proving that I was still on the line. However, amongst the talk of minor stuff, there was a very interesting — nay, disturbing — passage of conversation, the gist of which went along the following lines:

Elspeth was, as I had correctly surmised, at Merrick's, and just as I feared had used her feminine charms to persuade him to let her take young Charlotte — whosoever that might be — along with her. At this point in the conversation, I just had to ask who Charlotte was. It was then that my dear wife informed me that this young lady in question who was christened Charlotte (but also responded to the name Charlie) also went under the stage name of Fi Lyon — 'Wild Cat-Woman'. 'It's a pun, dearest,' Elspeth thoughtfully explained. She continued. 'Anyway, the clothes shopping was a success and young Charlotte is now in a position to go out in daylight without drawing unwanted attention. As such, we thought that we would come and see you in the next hour or so! Isn't that exciting?'

At this point I had to sit down. 'What? Why? Both of you? Is that wise?'

'Oh yes! By the by, I've ordered some new curtains and a headboard for our room. They will go so well with the Oriental look that I am after now that I have had a chance to look at all of the bits and pieces that you and Bertie brought back from your last holiday.'

I was about to correct her on her use of the term 'holiday' in this context, when she quickly said: 'Oh! John would like a word now.' I heard a mewling noise in the background as Elspeth handed over the telephone to Merrick. 'Charlie says hello, boys!' called Elspeth.

I heard the heavy breathing as John came to the phone. 'Knolly, I did try to stop her, honestly I did, but as it happens the shopping trip was quite fortuitous in many ways.'

I spent another fifteen minutes or in conversation with John. Again, I use the term 'conversation' in its loosest sense, as I had to accommodate for the poor fellow's impediments for most of this period.

I put the receiver back in its cradle, sat back in the chair and closed my eyes. Until now, I had not appreciated how tiring this telephony business was, and I was most uncomfortable from having to remain in the same position for such a length of time. If only one were able to use the telephone wherever one wanted! If only Tessla were allowed to expedite his method of sending and receiving messages and electricity through the aether! Then again, it is pure folly to imagine that we would all be capable of walking around with portable telephony equipment about our person, I snapped back into the present world.

'Bertie! Your idea that a cup of tea would not be enough seems remarkably accurate.'

'Eh? But it was only Elspeth....'

'That is all you know. Merrick ran the 'Tool' again. There is no-one available to accompany us on this escapade.'

'But I thought you had some notion he'd come up with someone? You were most positive about it.'

'Oh yes, that's true, but I had rather hoped that he was not serious in his suggestion. Alas, he is most serious about this specific new League member, and what's worse, Elspeth is on her way over with this person in tow. They should be here within the hour.'

Bertie had started to carry out calculation based on advanced mathematics and, arriving at a quantum answer, went very pale.

'So who is this new League member? Do we know him?' inquired Hobbes, putting Bertie out of his misery. 'Ah! Here is Louis with the tea. And something stronger too, I see.' Welcome diversion on all fronts.

Louis tried not to fall through the doorway. 'I only overheard you just now as I was coming up the stairs. l wasn’t listening at the door or anything like that.'

'No need to worry, lad. Listening at doors never got anyone into trouble.' I thought on this for a moment and concluded that it was probably not the best advice that I had ever given. 'Well... not directly, in any case. Besides, you may as well be introduced to Charlotte at the same time as Hobbes here.'

Bertie became animated. 'Charlotte! Oh, well that's a relief! I thought you meant Elspeth was bringing the cat-woman. You know... John's friend... Fi Lyon. Phew.' He smiled as though a great weight had been shed. 'So who's Charlotte, then?'

'Bertie, Charlotte — or Charlie, as it seems my dear wife has taken to calling her — is the name with which the young cat-woman was christened.'

Now it was Louis' turn to become animated. 'What? A girl?'

We all looked in horror at one another at this outburst, and it was Hobbes who broke the silence. 'Louis! Mind your manners! And don't let Knolly's wife hear you being so dismissive. Now off with you and tidy the kitchen. And please keep an ear out for the doorbell, and kindly refrain from placing your earhole at the keyhole.' Hobbes checked the landing to ensure that the young fellow had indeed gone back downstairs and then came back in to face Bertie and myself.

'Has Merrick gone stark raving mad?' squeaked Bertie, standing up to make his point and scattering various scientific journals to the floor in the process.

'Well, that was my initial thought too, Bertie, yes, but Merrick thinks she can be useful.'

'... at catching pigeons, certainly,' quipped Bertie, sitting down once more and chuckling to himself.

'Bertie, hear me out...'

'Knolly! The girl has fur, pointy ears, claws... not exactly inconspicuous, is she? Oh, and another thing...' the fickle finger of doom was now wagging inches from my nose. 'She can't talk.' He gave a single nod as if to signal that that was the end of the matter.

'Elspeth took her shopping and apparently no-one noticed. According to her, the shop assistants they just thought she was shy. And besides, it's winter — lots of people wear fur.'

Bertie did an impression of a fish, mouth yawning and gaping, seeming to be at a loss for words. With languid movements that suggested an air of gravity and confidence, Hobbes slowly rose from his seat and filled the silence with a balanced, logical and reasonable assessment of the situation. (The effect was only somewhat spoiled by the fact that he had dribbled tea onto his white shirt, but nonetheless, he was worth listening to.) 'I think I can see where Merrick is going with this. If she has the cat-like attributes that you have described, then surely it follows that she will have similar senses of smell and vision? Why, she'll be the perfect cracksman! Or crackswoman. Or crackscat.'

'See, Bertie! Thinking out of the box! Splendid! If only young Schrödinger had done the same, eh, Hobbes?' Hobbes chuckled. 'Now, chaps. What we need to do is firm up our plans and play to our strengths.'

'No, Knolly... this is silly and I won't have it. Before we start planning for our trip to Scotland, I feel that we must draw up the pros and cons of taking this young woman with us, rather than accepting it as a fait accompli.'

Hobbes and I looked at each other and then at Bertie. His bottom lip stuck out.

'You're not comfortable with the idea?' I said. 'Well, as you suggest, let us put pen to paper and draw up a list of pros and cons, shall we? Would you like to go first? Hobbes... would you care to be scribe?'

'Right, then. She's too young, she's... um... different, and she won't fit in. How's that?'

'That would be three things against her then, yes?' inquired Hobbes.

Bertie nodded. 'Correct! And don't forget the other things I mentioned like the claws and the ears.'

'Well, Bertie, I'm glad to see that you haven't resorted to "because she's female". Anyway, I would propose the following: one, we are short of league members at the moment. Two, she can hopefully bring a useful range of skills...'

'Ah ha!' interjected Bertie. 'We — you — don't know what skills she has! And she's untested. Dangerous, even.'

'If you would just let me continue. Three, we have time to hone these skills on our journey. Four, she's a hunter — a weapon if needs be.'

We looked at the list that Hobbes had drawn up and I had to admit there was no denying. In all honesty, the cons far outweighed any positive slant I could spin.

Bertie went for the killer blow. 'How on earth do we train her, hmmm? How do we get her to understand us, to do the things we need her to do? Cats always do what they want to do. It’s what they do best.'

Somewhat disgruntled, I flopped back into a comfortable chair. 'Fine, Bertie. You have me there. I just thought that an extra pair of hands...'

'Paws, I think you'll find.'

'Thank you, Bertie. An extra pair of hands might have given us an edge. After all, we are not really sure what we are up against.'

It was at this point that Hobbes leapt into the conversation.

'At last! I wondered when we were going to get to that. Bertie has told me that some naval chaps went missing around Christmas time. I am also aware of Merrick's American friend and his suspicion regarding creating a superman, but I was concerned that this might have been a false recollection as a result of imbibing. So, while we wait for Elspeth and try to think of some more reasons why this unusual young lady should go with you both, why don't you tell me, Knolly, what you think it all has to do with the file that you brought with you?'

As Hobbes and I spoke, we saw Bertie scowl and sink lower into his armchair as he realised that his glory was short-lived. So as to avoid any arguments, we left him to his own devices. After hearing some mumbling and muttering, we noticed that he was busying himself by first fiddling with the tea-tray and then tidying the journals that had earlier been disturbed.

'What are you doing, old chap?' I asked.

'Well,' Bertie sighed. 'I thought that seeing as the young cat-woman was on her way, I might as well make some effort to try to make her welcome.'

He indicated toward the snug corner of the room. He'd carefully laid out the journals on the plush carpet ('Don't want any little incidents, do we?') and had placed a saucer of milk on the window ledge.

The Great Knolly Archive

The Shepherd and
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26.07.07 Front Page

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