'Oh Angela you have to come tonight. What do you mean you're cooking? You cooked last night. Oh yes I forgot; it's your day job. Can't you cancel or get someone else to do it? I really don't think I can do a girlies' night out without a bit of support. I haven't done girlies' nights out for over twenty years.'

'No of course Patrick can't come it's a girlies' night out! All right I concede. In Patrick's case it's a close call but even I can't see Patrick wearing a frock and besides from what I can gather it's going to be an 'I hate men night.' No not hen night! 'I HATE MEN', well I know you don't but I think you must be the only woman in the county who doesn't. Please come? Well that's nice! Some friend you are and stop eating I can hear you chewing down the phone... I don't care if they're Snackerjacks, if you eat fifty packets in a sitting you will still get fat, fatter in fact! Then your gorgeous husband will run off with a thinner younger woman and you will have to come to the next 'I hate men' night!'

'Who's coming? Well Geraldine of course! What do you mean who's Geraldine? Miss Corporate Inc... Geraldine, my new boss - the one who's been dumped by Colin the Cad. The one who is doing an Oscar winning impression of Niagara Falls... Shhhh keep your voice down, she's in the office with Dimitri. Oh it's me that's talking loudly is it? Sorry. Dimitri is the only one who has any patience left. I don't think he's actually listening but between his tales of gastric woe... Oh, you won't believe it! That's what he's going to use in his defence for the drink driving charge! Apparently he suffers from something called reflux and his lawyer has said if he can find an expert witness to say that that could have caused him to be over the limit, he may get away with it. He's working his way through all the local doctors but something tells me he may have to use his cheque book to find a private expert good enough to get him off. The car was wrapped round a tree for heaven's sake! Patrick is furious, which is a bit rich coming from 'Mr I wouldn't know how to find my van when I'm sober let alone drive it'. I think he's just upset because the roller is a write off and he won't be able to play James Bond delivering the Valentine flowers this year. They had such fun last year, Dimitri in his leather jacket and hired chauffeur's hat and Patrick waving like the queen mother. Oh I know they only did five deliveries and all to the nobby areas but it kept them happy and away from the shop.'

'What? Oh sorry where was I? Oh yes between Dimitri's tales of gastric woe and Geraldine's miss-placed belief that men can't just walk away from a relationship after five years and not care at all - derr! For an intelligent woman she is worryingly Essex. Mind you I have to say I was impressed by her revenge tactics. No, she didn't take the scissors to his clothes, she phoned a removal company and got them to pack up all his stuff and put it into storage and told them to send him the bill... in six months! He's supposed to be going on holiday with the lads next week. No of course she didn't send him his passport! Would any woman? No, no, she didn't cut it up... a mystery arsonist I believe.'

'Who else is coming? Well Amanda, yes that's right Miss Escalator Knickers. Oh no, her love life's fine, it's her husband that's the problem. She came in yesterday and announced that he was a 'S**t faced W****r'! Yes she does have rather a way with words doesn't she? Apparently he's put a curfew on her. She has to be back before the children get up and isn't allowed out until they've gone to sleep. They've been separated for nearly a year for heaven's sake! Well I know they technically live under the same roof but that's only because Mr Happy - have you ever met a more miserable man in your whole life? - is dragging his heels over the divorce. Why? God only knows, there's no money to fight over, they're into debt division. Oh no the children are fine, they see more of both of them now than they ever did.'

'Oh, and Chloe's coming too - we all met for coffee at lunchtime. Yes, Legs Chloe who was dumped by email... now that is unforgivable. It seems it's all back on again, well sort of. He really is a s**t faced w****r, to borrow an Amanda-ism. Turns out that despite being divorced, he's set up home with his ex wife in a one bedroom flat but, of course, 'it's only for financial reasons', he's not sleeping with her.'

'"How blonde does he think I am?", screamed Chloe over the cappuccino. Soooo embarrassing! Everyone looked up; all their lawyers were in there having lunch. You could see them vacillating between the pain of professional despair and the passion of additional consultancy fees. I just asked Marco for the bill and did a runner.'

'Baleesha's coming too. Yes, she's come over to help with Valentine's Day and she's brought the Irish drunk with her. I never said I didn't like him, I just don't think he's right for her. She's only staying with him because her biological clock is heading for meltdown. He stays out all night and she sits in alone and does his laundry.'

'Angela, I am not anti men! All right I might be a bit lukewarm towards them at the moment but is that surprising? They are all the same. Take the DJ at the party on Saturday 'Your face is awfully familiar do we know each other?' Hello? How original is that? I wasn't even doing cleavage. And then your brother-in-law wanting to know the intricate details of my sex life, and his wife only three feet away.'

'"How do you fend off advances?" he asked.'

'"I give them a slap! And take your hand off my knee you dirty s*d!"'

'And his witty reposte was...'

'"'You don't fancy going upstairs for a s**g then?"'

'Angela my dear, men are all the same, they love you and leave you.'

'What do you mean my husband didn't? Of course he did! He died the b*****d!''

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