h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"who the heck-spelled-with-two-l's are you and what are you doing here?"
"the answer to your first question is shaddap,so the answer to your second"
-from a deadpool comic
(You may not laugh out loud but you know youre gonna use it)

"I like work-it facinates me,I could sit and watch it for hours"
-can't remember who said it

It was Jerome K Jerome, from Three Men in a Boat. His After Supper Ghost Stories is wonderful, too.

It was at the start of a chapter in my applied maths book-"Work"
(had another good quote but its gone....)

I remember now-"The Internet-natures way of telling you to get out more"
Don't know who said that either.

"he who laughs last thinks slowest."
and
"if I catch you with that book one more time I'm going to beat you with it, burn it, and beat you with it again."

Me to my boss after being insult- "why don't you stop walking around trying to look important and get some work done instead?"