h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The worse you are, the more shots you get. You don't have to wait for somebody to pass the ball, you have your own! Due to the handicapping system, you can play on equal terms with anybody, and in Ladies' golf you will be treated with respect and friendship whatever your level of ability. In Scotland it is not an elitist game. There is a cost in starting up, but is accessible to most people.

Plus don't forget you can walk round eating choclate, drinking high calorie drinks and, best of all, smoking! What other sport gives a person of "normal" physique the chance to reach right to the top (eg Colin Montgomerie, Laura Davis, Darren Clarke, Lee Westwood...well I guess European golfers anyway).

Yes, we come in all shapes and sizes!

I had hoped that golf being exercise would help me to trim down a bit but I take on more calories in "KitKat Chunkies" AND cans of Red Bull in the average round than I burn off, even though I walk twice as far as the golf course architect intended - that slice! I had decided to go for a Tiger Woods style physique (over the Colin Montgomerie shape) through dieting and extremely expensive gym membership in the hope of improving my handicap until Darren Clarke went and beat him in the World Matchplay! Now I have no stimulus to "feel the pain".

As far as role models go, I'll never be a Laura Davies. She's about a foot taller than me. The two Alisons (Nicholas and Rose) prove that you don't have to be tall or big to hit the ball well. I'd really like to have the elegance and balance of some of the French or Swedish girls. Unfortunately my build is more like Dale Reid. Shame my golf doesn't match hers!
Exercise tones muscles, but doesn't lose much weight. Diets don't work. The only way is to eat more (fruit,veg, and fibre) then you don't have room for the junk. I'm going on a healthy eating plan for the next month, but I know my biggest problem is smoking.

I'm on the Nicotinell as we speak. If its not a redundant statement they have worked before (I gave up for 5 months using patches for just the first week). I find that if you just use them to help with the initial urges while you are kicking the habit then you can wean yourself off the actual nicoteen in a relatively short space of time. The patches also scare me off fags in the initial period since I am terrified I will die of a nicoteen overdose.

Still, the place I really miss the weed is on the golf course when I have just topped a chip straight into the bunker and you feel like killing the club. Pubs tend not to be a problem.

For role models I use Monty - I don't want his figure, or his (alleged) temper - but with a slice like mine I can only hope to correct to his signature faded ball. Oh and I have two oranges and an apple on my desk so fingers crossed.

I was at Gleneagles on the final day of the Scottish Open the year Monty almost won. He was playing well and in the lead but Craig Parry (if I remember right!) played even better. We cheered Monty down the 18th fairway and he walked down with his head up even though by that time he knew he couldn't win. It was a brilliant atmosphere. At the presentation he thanked the crowd for their suuport (not usual for second place to make a speech). I'd love to see him win on home ground.

The one I like best to watch is Sam Torrance because he always looks as though he's enjoying himself.