h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chumps
Guys who think they have some sort of game, but actually... don't. Tend to have about as much sun touch them as the dark side of the moon.

Stiff white chumps
Aren't athletic and can't jump, but are in all other ways are similar to 'Chumps'.

Sweat sponges
The sort you don't want to get stuck guarding. Quaff's 2 litres of water at every timeout, just so he can sweat on you.

Taloned Terrors
Like to play slappy defence that inevitably draws blood.

Skinny Skywalkers
Quick and bouncy, but one solid body in the way, and they'll go flying the unfriendly (bumped) skies.

The worst thing about sweat sponges is when they play on the "skins" team

There's a goalkeeper who plays for the International side of a North African Country (either Tunisia or Morocco)who's a Kung Fu master. Whenever there's a cross that he can take, he goes up for it with one foot up, giving his studs to strikers on the other side (I think Michael Owen's _still_ got the stud marks from this dangerous idiot). Strangely, however, the ref _never_ blows for dangerous play. Wrong sport, I know, but a lot of those categories must be almost universal.