Ladies and gentlemen, as I sit here in Psychology class, learning absolutely nothing about Psychology in general, my mind cannot help but wander to one of man's greatest inventions since perforated paper: Peanut butter!

Yeeeeea! A personal fave of mine, peanut butter has been around since, I don't know, the Lincoln Administration? But do you know the history behind this delightfully gooey treat? Didn't think so!

Peanut butter is made from some very obvious ingredients: Peas, nuts, and eggplant (hence the 'butter'). All three are thrown into a large vat (well over standard eggplant size), and mooshed into goopy goodness by the official moosher man guy dude person. Then, scooper guy lady ma'am takes over, and scoops the peanut butter into individual jars labelled either 'Jiffy,' 'Skippy,' or 'Wall Plaster.' Then, Mr Delivery dude gal lady man person delivers it directly to your kitchen cupboard and places it behind the baking soda. If this is not how you get your peanut butter, then you're probably not eating actual 'peanut butter.' Maybe it's wood glue.

While peanut butter has been known to be a health risk,

'Doctor, this artery - it's completely blocked!'

'With what, Nurse Betty?'

*squeeze* *lick* 'Peanut butter!'

It still has its benefits, such as: a) it tastes nummy. Oookay, that's all I've got. But let's not forget PB's trusty sidekick, partner in crime, amigo en mucho dangeroso, friend of the 'fridgerator, Mr Jelly. Mmmmm Their sweet harmony on my taste buds is like Beethoven's 5th Symphony for my hungry soul... how poetic, this pair. Like Romeo and Juliet, without that whole suicide thingy.

To better maximize your peanutty buttery enjoyment, allow me to share with you my extensive list of ways to properly consume this scrumptious glob of goodness.

1. With jelly
2. On a spoon
3. On a fork
4. On a banana
5. On a knife
6. On your finger
7. On celery
8. At 9:00
9. At 12:00
10. In the bathroom
11. In prison
12. With a man named 'Paco'

I have, of course, tried all of these methods, and can safely say that each is a highly enjoyable idea for consumption.

Peanut butter - the food most snuck up to one's room at night while the parents are asleep - is essential for the survival of humanity. Without peanut butter, all major forms of government would quickly lose their favourite bedtime snack, thus becoming very cranky around 9:00 am which, as we all know, is the time they hold most of their important meetings. Cranky governmental leaders don't make friendly governmental leaders! Soon all of the world will plunge into one big un-peanut buttery chaotic mess. So, the moral of this lesson? Eat your peanut butter, or small innocent children will die. Thank you!

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphod

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