'My dear how on earth do you shop in this village? That supermarket is impossible! No champagne, no smoked salmon, and the lottery machine has broken down again. Do you know how many checkouts they had open? Two! Friday afternoon and they only had two checkouts open. And then all they do is natter to each other 'What are you having for tea tonight?' One of them asks the other, as if anyone in the queue cares. Then she stops scanning entirely to check a broken fingernail. 'Oh look Tina, I've broken my nail. I told Kevin these tins were dangerous.'

One of these days someone is going to walk into the shop and say,
'Oh my God I've just had the most amazing experience in Tesco'. No they're not... that is a fantasy, and there is something comforting in the totally expected. How else would they make their grand entrances? 'I've just come in to buy some flowers?' Heavens no we might be in danger of making a profit, that would never do.

'Good to see you too Dimitri, you can go into the office, afternoon surgery has commenced. Patrick has his feet on the sink and if you're lucky Mirabell will make you a coffee.'

'Oh thank you darling, but I really can't stop. His Lordship has come back and I've promised to make him dinner. Oh, I sound just like the check out girl.'

*Plop!*

'Oh well if Patrick's opened the wine I suppose I could just have one glass. What are you doing tonight by the way? I thought we could have dins. His Lordship isn't staying, he wants to go clubbing and I'm far too old for that. Do you fancy an Italian?'

Not fussed about the birthright so long as he's six foot two with dark smouldering eyes and beautiful hands, Oh, he's talking about food.

'Sorry honey I can't, girlies night out.'

'Ha! You! You don't do girlies nights out.'

'A woman can change.'

He gets more like Patrick every day. Perhaps they could become a couple? No I don't think it works that way. I'll have to ask Patrick.

'I thought it would be good for me to join the sisterhood.'

'Ha! You'll hate it. Why don't Patrick and I come too.'

'We're not allowed. I've been sulking all afternoon but she hasn't taken any notice. It's just girlies not honorary chicks.'

Patrick don't try and do cool, you have barely mastered farty.

'Ha! Honorary chicks eh? Speak for yourself you bitch.'

'Now girls stop fighting. It's barely four thirty. No cat fights allowed until the shutters are down.'

How did I manage to get embroiled in this girlies night out anyway? Dimitri's right I will hate it. All they'll be talking about is children and husbands and houses and decorating. I wonder if I could pull a sicky? No don't be stupid, you arranged it.

'Oi still think I should be allowed to come. Oi am supposed to be your best friend, who's going anyway?'

'You know perfectly well who's going! Me, Mirabell...'

'That's Pet, Dimitri... our Pet. Have a glass of wine, Pet. I'm not letting the wicked witch have one she doesn't deserve it. Pet's been called back for a final audition for her show, Dimitri. She's going to get the part and then we'll all have to go to the first night, except the old cow.'

Someone throw something at him.

'If it worrent for her I would na have gone for the audition in the first plece. She's coomin to the first night bafore any of yae.'

The body language tells me Mirabell is defending me; I just have to work on the translation.

'My dear how wonderful! Do you want me to drive you up there in the Rolls?'

'Don't be stupid! Of course she doesn't! She's an actress, she has to run up the underground steps looking like Julia Roberts! Well perhaps she's a little on the short side for Julia Roberts and her mouth's not quite as big.'

'Patrick shut up!'

'I will if you let me come with you tonight!'

'No!'

*Brrrrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*

'Who's that?'

'If you'll give me a chance to look at the phone I'll tell you, not that it's any of your business.'

*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*

'Its Angela. Hi what's wrong?'

'I can't come. I'm really sorry to let you down but I can't come.'

'Don't worry, there's a whole crowd going. We can catch up later in the week. What's happened?'

'I've just been given two tickets for Simply Red.'

'Well no contest! Is Jamie going with you and if he isn't I'll take the other ticket, they won't even miss me.'

'Sorry he wants to come.'

I suppose it's all down to the decorating and baby talk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Brrrrrrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*

'Hello?'

'Well how did it go?'

'Patrick? What time is it? Oh my God it's 5.30! Why are you calling me at 5.30? I only crawled into bed two hours ago.'

'Well let me in and I'll make you a coffee.'

'Let you in? Where are you?'

'I'm outside you Div! Oi've been up for hours. I've walked the dog... well dragged him along the pavement for a hundred yards, he really isn't very well.'

'He's seventeen for God's sake he's entitled to not be very well. He's entitled to be dead! Hold on I'll come down and let you in.'

'About time! God you look awful! Go and wash your face and put some make up on. I can see all your wrinkles. Shall I put the iron on and you can give them a press.'

'S*d off just put the kettle on and leave the bananas alone! You can have an apple if you must but I think I'm going to need all the bananas today.'

'Uh uh... you said you weren't going to drink.'

He can be so irritating.

'So how was it? Did you talk about curtains and things?'

Where do I start? Do I start? Dare I tell Patrick? There wasn't a curtain in sight unless you count the ones being twitched by half the village busy bodies.

There was Helen being dumped by email, the email she'd brought with her so we could all read it. Dumped by email! How appalling is that?

'What shall I do?'

'Send him a text and tell him he's a w****r.'

This from shy Stephanie who wouldn't say boo to a goose but was intent on groping the waiter's balls.

Then we had Harriet's front bottom problems, painted in such lurid Technicolor that I had to pass on the Calamari, and then it got worse. The whips... I never realised Mirabell was into all of that. The confessions... Who was your first and where and how and... Oh no! I couldn't possibly tell Patrick any of it.

'You're blushing! Why are you blushing?'

'I'm not it's just a flush!'

'They were rude weren't they? Haaaaa Haaaa I knew it! They shocked you!'

Hmmm I wonder when we could have the next one?

'Two sweeteners please Patrick and pass me a banana.'

Doghouse Tails Archive

Useless Hound

13.11.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page