h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The strong emotions which the mere thought of Marmite can arouse in both devotee andobjector alike, can make writing objectively about this versatile spread nigh on impossible. For having come very close indeed to achieving so difficult a goal, the authors of "Marmite" (Entry ID: A184097) are to be commended indeed. Nevertheless, I am concerned about the extent to which the present entry paints an overly simplistic picture of the foodstuff in one or two places, and seek to address some of those in this message.


I would like to comment on the section entitled "How to Eat Marmite" since this is probably the section most likely to influence the impressionable "beginner". The sound advice offered at the start, which mirrors the carefully worded instruction on the label "Delicious when spread THINLY on toast" (my emphasis added), is perhaps the most important advice which can be offered to those for whom Marmite is still an uncharted land. But while I am sure that every word of the bullet pointed instructions reflect the cincere opinions of the author(s), I would beg to differ with the way that some of the opinions are expressed. As written, The Guide seems to demand acceptance of a strict and unquestionable doctrine of white bread and hot toast alone. Few would doubt that together these uses of marmite form the cornerstones of marmite lore, but can it really be said that they are the only true path to heaven? Surely he, who in bed on a cold winter's day has savoured warm marmite seeping slowly into a thin slice of freshly baked toasted and buttered wholegrain bread, has tasted heaven of another kind. Cannot the dark earthy taste of a nicely aged marmite complement cold white toast and "real" butter as much as a young vibrant marmite will enliven hot crispy toast? Surely tastes vary to suit ones mood and the occasion. Have not as many school childeren been hailed by their peers as true heros for having managed to eat the "loathsome" marmite sandwiches which their mothers have made for them, as have other childeren leapt for joy at the sight of a marmite sandwich in their packed lunch box in place of evil egg-mayonnaise? (I count myself in the second group.) In short, is not marmite as varied in its delights and applications as the other undervalued household item: the towel (see entry A138232).


I also think it would be a good idea if the main entry of The Guide were to make it clear that even in marmite spread ITSELF there can be great variation in taste and aroma depending on age and country of origin. Consequently, there are always new suprises awaiting even advanced and experienced users. Perhaps the most unusual "non-standard" (which is to say non-British) marmite taste, is that of the marmite made under licence in South Africa by Robertsons (Pty) Ltd, of Durban. The taste of this South African marmite lies somewhere on the continuum between Bovril and standard marmite, and so comes perrilously close to not actually being marmite at all! However the reassuring heritage, friendly label (in slightly warmer colours and older style) and traditonally ribbed base combine to make it a refreshing change from our domestic brand. In contrast, I cannot personally distinguish Dutch marmite (Bestfoods, Benelux) from our usual fare by taste alone. However, the strikingly modern "angluar" variation on the usual marmite label combined with the frendly and strangely amusing description on the label: "Gist en groente extract pasta. Heerlijk pittig van smaak." never fail to cheer one up early in the morning.


And finally to the subject of ageing; for Marmites, like fine wines, mature with age. A marmite connoisseur without a fine selection of vintages fot that "special occasion" is like a bride without a groom. While an unopened and unused jar scarcely ages at all, the close interplay between oxidation and evaporation in an imperfectly sealed jar, and the influences of butter traces and toast crumbs which make their way via a knife into a jar, may be trained by a master to work miracles. With dedication, and above all patience, it is possible to develop richer and rounder flavours and ever more bituminous colours than could possibly be sold legally in our supermarkets. But beware! Excessive ageing can lead to dangers of another kind, so proceed with care!

I hope that I have conveyed some of my passion for marmite, and hope I that have shown that there is more to marmite than just a topping for hot buttered white toast. I hope that The Guide will reflect this.

Christopher Lester