h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Among the myriad uses of concrete are the following:

1. Substitute for skilletware - In places like Bakersfield, California or Santa Fe, New Mexico, the summer months provide unequaled opportunity for frying eggs and the like on one's own driveway, sidewalk or patio.

2. Our feathered friends the world over find concrete, assisted by gravitational attraction, useful in place of mechanical nut crackers - which are difficult for most avians to employ effectively - in the removal of pesky, inedible shells from nuts of every variety.

3. In the suburbs and cities of the United States of America, concrete is constantly employed in the accumulation of petroleum derivatives which are excreted by parked automobiles.

4. Concrete has also proven most effective in converting high-speed, 3 dimensional motorcyclists into long, 2 dimensional red stripes which many motorists find decorative and which may, someday, be interpreted as invitational messages to visitors arriving from other planets.

Also:

It's spoken in urban lore, that stepping upon a crack, might somehow injure the vertabrae of a maternal figure. This, though, has no scientific basis.

Another use for concrete, is by giving children pieces of chalk and some culdesac, it turns into quite an impressive babysitter.

A wise man once said, "Let's pave the stupid rainforests and give school teachers stun guns."

Pity the wise man's teacher didn't have one.

Whatever happened to that trendy habit of removing lawn, replacing it with concrete and then painting the concrete green?