by Michael Bywater, h2g2 Awards Correspondent

Tired of the same old Awards Ceremonies, held at the same old dreary Dorkchester
Hotel, attended by the same tired old industry faces and a smattering of C-list
celebs, hosted by some clapped-out old "personality" who hands out
the same old awards to the same old corporate suits in their ill-fitting hired
DJs?

Aren't we all... so the new (name to follow) Awards will come as a breath of
fresh air.

Speaking on behalf of the organising consortium, Mr D. Mepstead, Organising
Consortium Spokesperson, told me yesterday: "These new awards represent
the highest distinction to which an industry member can aspire. They will rapidly
be seen to become the true benchmark of industry success. Give us a free plug
and there's a drink in it for you," Mepstead continued; "It's a hell
of a job getting any money out of the tight-fisted b******s in this industry
and frankly it's a bigger job than we thought, getting these things off the
ground. In fact, I'll be straight with you, we got ourselves a bit overcommitted.
Nothing like the Great Cornish Nobody Turned Up To See The Bloody Eclipse Disaster,
but, all the same, I personally am in the hole to the tune of a Rolex Oyster
Perpetual, a Mont Blanc Meisterstucke Highlighter Pen - I mean £110
for a bloody highlighter? It's a bloody joke - and a weekend
in Venice with Trixie Rosenthal of the Association of Award Ceremony Sponsorship
Associations, so you can see that we've got to get these awards off the
ground, okay? Look, I'll even give you Trixie Rosenthal's phone number, not
that it'll do you any good. Look at me: two nights in the Hotel Cypriani, not
to mention flights, gondola complete with singing bloke, lunches, big dinner
and she walks out on me on the Sunday morning. Good thing I had that Mont Blanc
highlighter is all I can say, so at least I could sit at a café table in St
Mark's Square highlighting stuff at random in the Italian newspapers and hoping
that some elegant supermodel would think I was a polygamous fashion tycoon or
something. Not polygamous, the other one. Polyglot. Anyway, they didn't, and
Trixie Rosenthal didn't, and if we can't get some of these moronic high-level
suits to cough up for the privilege of a rubber-chicken dinner and the chance
to rub shoulders with so called 'industry movers and shakers', most of whom
could bore the wick out of your Zippo, then I'm well and truly shafted, get
my drift?"

Mr Mepstead added: "Sorry about that, old cock. I just needed a shoulder
to cry on. Anyway, the official line is that these Awards - bit of a bugger,
not having a name; if you can come up with a name I'd be grateful, there'd be
a drink in it for you, know what I mean? - represent a new measure of global
industry success in the new competitive hardball cutting-edge environment. The
blah-blah Awards are truly cross-industry, multi-faceted, synergistic, inter-communicative,
trans-gendered, and many other slick but meaningless adjectives. Just put it
in your own words and give me a call when it comes out, okay?"

According to the sponsors, the Awards Ceremony will be "an event to remember
for as long as it stays in the industry's mind." The ceremony, unique of
its kind, will be:

• Held in the Huge Room of the Dorkchester Hotel, in fashionable London's
  internationally-famous Hotel District, famous for its many Hotels.
• Attended by all the most senior industry figures from the upper levels of
  the industry.
• Graced with the company of many celebrities from the world of stage, screen,
  entertainment and television and comedy. And entertainment and soap operas.
  Models. There'll be models, too.
• Hosted by a major celebrity from the world of entertainment - his identity
  is a closely-guarded secret
  but it will be a chance to "get re-acquainted" with a great name
  from the "golden age" of British entertainment, in the shape of
  a man who is a well-known personality on the Awards "circuit".
• Elegantly formal, with Black Tie the "order of the day" - or,
  rather, the night!?!?!

Now to the Awards themselves...