We have already established, to our complete satisfaction, that you have a
hard life. Our Sniff-O-Mat Online "Dat-A-Probe" has, while you have
been reading this, been investigating not only your computer's files, but also
your keystroke rate, your heart beat, and, thanks to the latest Phosph-O-Mone
technology, your complete endocrine and CNS status at this moment in time.

We now know that:

• You are under-appreciated by your colleagues

• Your family do not value you as they should, and are reluctant to acknowledge
  your unassailable rights as a self-determining human being who, damn it, shouldn't
  have to apologise every time you want to go out for a few beers, and
  if you did happen to bump into someone - not at some lousy bar,
  for heaven's sake, but while innocently running an errand at Duane's
  World of Fittings - and if things did happen to, you know, get, well,
  a little out of hand, there's still no reason for everyone to look
  at you like that, and no point in saying "Like what?" because
  they know perfectly well like what and if they think you're just going
  to sit there and take it, well, they've another think coming,
  you don't have to stay here and you'd like to see how they get along without
  you so don't push it, okay? Just don't.

• You're going to give that b*****d a piece of your mind one day.

• You are worried about your weight.

• You are worried about your credit rating.

• There's nothing wrong with your sex-drive, okay? Nothing.

• You're not snappy, it's just that you're under a lot of pressure at the
  moment.

• You'd appreciate the hell out of it if someone would just give you a
  break.

• You nurture a grudging admiration for Bill Gates but you think Windows sucks.

• You don't know, maybe it's just you, but the music the guy next door insists
  on playing at full volume, well, it drive you nuts, okay?

• You think this weather's fine but, hell, you wouldn't complain if we got
  a cool patch.

• You don't give a damn about the eclipse.

• You don't know exactly where you put it but it's around here somewhere.

• You wouldn't say no.

With this information, we have constructed a special column just for you.
Click here to read it.

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