h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When driving in Birmingham (UK) for the first time, a few pointers may prove useful and possibly even save your life -

i) It is customary, when driving in said city, _not_ to use indicators, and that anyone that is is obviously either:

A) Completely deranged (and best avoided)
or
B) Lying

ii) It is also generally accepted that, when traffic lights change to red, it is perfectly safe for another 10 cars to cross at either 50 miles per hour or 25% over the speed limit, whichever is the greater.

iii) In order to cause as much inconvenience as possible, it is traditional that if a suitable parking spot pointing in the wrong direction to the flow of traffic can't be found, then you _shall_ double park and open doors on both sides of your vehicle and sit there, without disembarking, engine running, until such time when an even more inconvenient parking space can be found.

iv) Parents on the school run with 10 children in the car think they are invulnerable.

v) Taxi drivers think they are invulnerable.

vi) Bus and truck drivers _know_ they are invulnerable (except on a small stretch of road outside the local TA regiment of the Royal Engineers, where the occassional tank has been known to blot their record).

vii) A fast moving emergency vehicle with lights flashing and sirens blazing _must_ give way to all other forms of transport, including pedestrians, cyclists, puschairs, young lads in Vauxhall Novas, etc, etc...

viii) The inordinate number of 4x4 users for such tiny little roads as appear in Birmingham, also believe they are invulnerable (irrespective of how many trucks, buses, tanks, Fiat Cinquecentos on the school run they pull out in front of from the wrong side of the road).

Please feel free to add any further recommendations for the "Drivers Guide to Lasting More than 30 Seconds in Britain's Second City", either posting here or e-mail me at [email protected]

Thankyou

I believe that you missed the fact that double yellow lines indicate areas in which parking is permitted.

I have also noticed recently that the local council have taken to blocking off potential short cuts for drivers so as to make the main artery roads more congested. Perhaps this is a policy statement.

There has been suggestions in the local media that a certain councillor (now retired/invited to leave) embarked upon this policy for no apparent reason (not wishing to make any claims which may or may not have foundation) and since his leaving the department, the council in it's infinite wisdom have actually _increased_ it's road blocking efforts...confused?

I am!

BTW: I make no comment about BMW drivers here, as, the rest of us all know, thay are the same the world over...except in South Africa, where they have flame-throwers fitted

Another question is why are there so many 4x4s and cars masquerading as minbuses? Is there a part of Birmingham that is particularly muddy (for the 4x4s) or do Brummies just have an inordinate number of people to carry?

Whilst having a good whinge, if I had known that the Countryside Alliance were having a demonstration in our city I would have stood in Centenary Square with placards saying 'Get Off Our Land' and shouting about who actually pays for, protects and looks after the cities so that country folk can come in and wander about causing wear and tear to our streets as well. Coming here with their country ways! I must admit, however, to having seen more foxes in Brum than I ever did in the country. Maybe they only came to check out the lie of the land...