In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 15, 2003
Well, I don't know about you, but when I think of October 16th, the first thing that comes to mind is World Food Day, naturally.
I wake up and think, 'It's World Food Day! Why, I think I'll take time out of my busy schedule to honour food by eating some!' Then I keep my promise by downing a rather large plate of bacon. The only thing World Food Day is lacking would be a classic drama that high schools all over the world could perform to honour the special occasion. So I, being the die-hard food lover I am, wrote one. Set in some kitchen somewhere, this takes on a Shakespearean tone. Please note that my Old English SUCKS, so my pre-emptive apologies to you.
*Ahem*
(A Kitchen, noon)
TOMATO: Oh! Where doth thou be-est, my sweet lettuce? Thy leaves are like petals of crunchy love and thy greenness be of air to me!
LETTUCE: Sweet T'mato, why doth thou temptest me so? Thou knowest my heart is of the dressings!
TOMATO: *gasp* The RANCH DRESSING?!
LETTUCE: *sigh* Yes! And if you tooketh my love, he would surely have your head!
TOMATO: Fear not! I would risk boiling, dicing, blending, and sautéing if it meant I could share but one salad bowl with you!
(Carrot enters stage left)
CARROT: Sir Tomato! I bringeth news of the refridgerator. It seems the milk is going soureth.
TOMATO: Doth my ears decieve me? Curse you, Father Thyme! Your wicked games twist and toil and spoil one so pure as the milk! I pray her soul travels to the place of her predecessors, Sir Cottage Cheese, Madam Colby Jack, and Sir Strawberry Yogurt.
CARROT: That is not all, my liege. Ranch Dressing has sent word that he requesteth a duo with thou to win the heart of fair Miss Lettuce.
TOMATO: So be it! He may attack with his sweet tangy creaminess, but my cunning deception to fool many into thinking I am a vegetable when in fact I am actually a member of the fruit group will surely bring about his demise!
CARROT: Oh! Here enters the foe now! May your seeds be swift and juicyness prevail!
(Ranch Dressing enters up centre)
RANCH: So, we meet in battle, Tomaaaahto.
TOMATO: Um...it's Tomato. Long A. And for that I will strike thee down!
RANCH: Do your worst! For you may say tomato, but I say Tomaaahto! MUAHAHAHA!
(Battle wages. Tomato Juice splatters, a tasty mix of herbs and creaminess fly about)
TOMATO: Oh! I have been struck! Oh what cruelness! *cough cough* Ranch! You must know... *hack*... thy mother, the fair Miss Marinara Sauce, was *cough* my mother as well!! *die*
RANCH: Oh! What hath I done? Brothah! Sweet Brothah! How will I live with myself? I cannot! I cannot! *Leaps off the counter with a sickening crunch*
LETTUCE: Oh! My heart and my secret love, both DEAD! I shan't live ne'er more! *Leaps off counter to a dull thud*
CARROT: *looks about in a confused manner* um... er... *sniff sniff* Oh! I haveth a COLD!! What cruel fate! Surely I deserve to live no longer with this devilish and temporary virus! *Leaps off counter to gross crackle and breaking sounds*
Where's my Tony? Anybody? This is a sure hit. I just hope no one mistakes it for an actual work by the ol' Will Shakespeare himself, because I'd like all the credit, thank you very much. Enjoy World Food Day - and remember, six to eleven carbs a day!
Your Little h2g2'er,
