(parenthetical note: this is a very old script from the early days of my scripthood. It is ten years old by the deciphered heiroglyphics accompanying it. I have done no editing. This will come as no surprise to many.)



Narr:

Welcome. Irritating Public Radio, Your Friends In The Air now brings you a half hour of scintillating social comment, humor and noise. It is now my very great pleasure to present to you:

"The Furnace"


In a brand new trendy hovel on the outskirts of Pflugerville sits a despondent man, waiting.


Man:

I hate waiting. It's such a disappointment. Not at all what I expected it to be. I'm so depressed that the occurence of the event I am anticipating will probably be an improvement.


Narr:

Hello, it's me, the narrator, again. Today I will also be the sound effects man. Here is the first sound effect: There is a knock at the door.


Man:

I am all afliver. I wonder who could be knocking at my door?


Narr:

Sound of footsteps, sound of door opening, sound of filthy boots on pristine carpet.


Man:

Who are you, who was knocking at my door?


Furnace man:

It's only me and nothing more, Raven Furnace Repair, at your service!



Man:

Thank you for coming. My furnace is malfunctioning.


Narr:

The door closes with a bang.


Furnace man:

Was that it?



Man:

What?


Furnace man:

The furnace.


Man:

What?


Furnace man:

That disembodied sound I just heard.


Man:

That's the narrator.


Furnace man:

Oh, you've got one of those, too? Then what do you need a furnace for? Doesn't your narrator generate enough hot air for you?


Man:

Only in the front of the house. The rear is heated by the furnace, which is malfunctioning.


Furnace man:

I've never heard of that brand.


Man:

What? Brand?


Furnace man:

Yes. Malfunctioning. Must be foreign.


Man:

The furnace is not running.


Furnace man:

Ah. I'm not sure we can get parts for a Malfunctioning Furnace. I'll have to check.


Man:

I thought you fixed furnaces for a living. Don't you use parts for that? Or do you just wave your wand?


Furnace man:

Don't get insulting. I don't have to listen to it.


Man:

Why not?


Furnace man:

I've got a Walkman. I just turn it up.


Man:

Anyway, follow me. I'll show you where the furnace is.


Furnace man:

I'm sure I can find it. I've been in this business a long time.


Man:

Well, okay.




Furnace man:

Off I go.


Narr:

Sound of heavy work boots besmudging the carpet.


Man:

Gee, I wonder if he can help it, the poor thing. That furnace and I have been through a lot together, over the years. I'd sure miss it if it was gone.


Narr:

Sound of slow workboot tread on carpet, grinding in previous smudges.




Man:

Well?


Furnace man:

I'm sorry.


Man:

Well?


Furnace man:

It's broken.



Man:

Well?


Furnace man:

You need a new one.


Man:

How do I know you didn't break it in order to sell me another one?


Furnace man:

I wouldn't do that. I hate installing new ones. I'd never damage a furnace willfully. It would mean more work for me and I hate work.



Man:

Why can't you fix it? It thought everything had parts you could take out and put in new ones.


Furnace man:

Well, for one thing, it's not a Malfunctioning Furnace. I don't know where you got that idea. It's a Flummox. Flummox Furnaces are forged.



Man:

You mean it's a fake?


Furnace man:

No, a Fake Furnace is welded.


Man:

Oh.


Furnace man:

So when a forged Flummox Furnace fractures, it's fixed for good.



Man:

So you can fix it by fracturing it?



Furnace man:

It is already fractured.



Man:

So it is IS fixed?



Furnace man:

For good.


Man:

Well, I go turn it on, then.



Furnace man:

It doesn't work. You told me that. It won't work again. I told you that.


Man:

I'm missing something.


Furnace man:

Yeah, a furnace.


Man:

I don't have one?


Furnace man:

You need one.


Man:

What happened to the other one?



Furnace man:

It went bye-bye.


Man:

Somebody stole it?


Furnace man:

You're not very bright, are you?


Man:

Well, I glow a bit in the twilight, but...



Furnace man:

Look, pay me and I'll be on my way.


Man:

Well, what do I owe you?


Furnace man:

Eighteen hundred dollars.


Man:

What? All you did was go look at my furnace and tell me it won't work again? How can that be worth 1800 dollars?


Furnace man:

Because I'm trained. If I hadn't been trained to know what to look for, it would have cost you more money. So you're paying for my twenty years of training.



Man:

Huh? You mean if I had called and gotten an untrained repair man over here, it would have cost me more?


Furnace man:

Right.


Man:

And you're worth $1800 because you've been in training for twenty years?


Furnace man:

Right. Experience is the best teacher.


Man:

But you just said if I got someone who had less training it would cost me more, so if you cost me $1800 with twenty years of experience, then someone with forty years of experience should cost me $900 and someone with eighty years of experience should cost me...




Furnace man:

No, no, no, you're missing the point. A person who doesn't know what they're doing will create problems rather than solving them. If, rather than fixing something, they damage something instead, then you've lost rather than won. So you actually save money by having somebody who knows what he's doing making things better instead of worse.


Man:

But you have made it worse. You did nothing and told me that my furnace would never do anything again. That's worse than fixing it. I will pay you what I think you are worth.


Furnace man:

You can't do that! How would you know what I am worth?


Man:

Well, how much will it cost me to get a new furnace? I'll deduct that from your bill.


Furnace man:

You can't do that! Furnaces are expensive! I'd end up owing you!



Man:

As far as I'm concerned, you do already. Now go back in there and see if you can provide me with a working furnace for my money.


Furnace man:

It's broken! Gone, kaput, finished, worn out, an ex-heating unit! The way it was manufactured it can't be fixed! You'll have to get another one! That's all there is to it!


Man:

And I'm supposed to pay you $1800 for this good news? If you can't do anything for it, whaty are you charging me for something you haven't done?


Furnace man:

I drove over here, I walked in the door, I have had to put up with you, I went down in your smelly, filthy basement to look at your old filthy burned out furnace and you say I haven't done anything?



Man:

What basement?


Furnace man:

I took my twenty years of experience and I took a look with that experience and I saw... What?



Man:

What basement?



Furnace man:

The basement. The furnace is in the basement.



Man:

What basement?


Furnace man:

All right, be picky, the cellar.


Man:

There is no basement or cellar under this house. It's on a foundation.


Furnace man:

The? Where did I go? No, you're just trying to mess with my head. I went down in the basement.


Man:

Show me.



Furnace man:

Right this way, down this hall way, into the bathroom, open this door behind the toilet, and down these stairs.


Man:

I didn't know that door was there.



Furnace man:
Wha?



Man:
That isn't my furnace.



Furnace man:
Wha?



Man:
C'mere, back up the stairs, out from behind the toilet, out into the hall, turn left and into this utility room and there is my furnace.



Furnace man:
Oops. I'm sorry. I'll get right to it.



Man:
Never mind that, let's find out who that basement belongs to. I want to knowwhat it's doing under my house.



Furnace man:
I don't care about that basement. I came here to look at your furnace and that's what I'm going to do.



Man:
But don't you think who ever owns that other furnace owes you for looking at their furnace?



Furnace man:
Putting it that way, okay, I'll come with you.



Man:
Let me get a flashlight. Here it is.


Narr:
As our hero turns on his flashlight, he and the repair man go back down the hallway, the repairman's boots clumping arrhythmically, our hero padding along in a pair of two-year-old Reeboks with a pink poodle on the green swoosh, into the bathroom, through the door behind the toilet and down, down, down (voice descends into the bass)


Man:
Oh, shut up, it's only twelve steps. Okay. Furnace.
Old bicycle. Old washer. Old. Old. Old. Console television. Old rocking chair. Hmm. All this stuff is old. Old staircase. Old baby buggy. Old sewing machine.



Furnace man:
Back up a bit.



Man:
Okay. Old sewing machine. Old baby buggy. Old staircase...



Furnace man:
Stop!



Man:
An old staircase. So what?




Furnace man:
How did we get down here?



Man:
By steps.



Furnace man:
By how many?



Man:
Twelve.



Furnace man:
How many steps does that staircase have?



Man:
Let me see, I don't think I have my calculator with me. Got a pencil? If I count it in groups of five... and there are twelve groups of five and I multiply twelve times five, I get sixty, okay? Am I right?



Furnace man:
Five times as many steps. That's weird. Look at the walls in this basement. They don't seem to slope, nor does the floor. How can there be twelve steps on your way down but sixty steps on the way up?



Man:
Huh? Help me get this junk off here. I see a door at the top.


Narr:
The two gentlemen are now making quite a bit of noise tossing items of weight about the basement. You would have heard the noise if the producers were not too cheap to provide sound effects.



Furnace man:
Ah, that's done it.



Man:
Let me sit down for a minute, that hurt.



Furnace man:
Good idea. Cigarette?



Man:
No, thank you and I'd rather you didn't either. I'm sitting here trying to catch my breath and you want to give me something nasty to breath along with what air I can suck through the nasty dust we've stirred up. Well, thank you, no.



Furnace man:
Okay. No need to get touchy.



Man:
Just think. That's all I ask.



Furnace man:
Okay. Shall we see what's behind the door?




Man:
All right.


Narr:
Sound of door handle turning and old creaky door opening.


Man:
Hmm.




Furnace man:
Hmm.


Narr:
What are you two doing in here? Get out, we're doing a live broadcast!



Man:
Of what?



Furnace man:
Uh, what's going on here?


Furnace man:
Like the man said, we're doing a radio broadcast. What are you doing here?


Man:
We just came up from the basement.



Man:
No, you didn't.



Furnace man:
Yes, we did. Look through that door there.


Narr:
Um. He's right. There is a basement down there.



Man:
I don't understand this at all. We were just doing a script about two men in a basement.



Furnace man:
After a bit about a furnace.



Furnace man:
No. Really?


Man:
Yes.



Man:
But we just came from the basement and there are two of us. This is the furnace man and he was called over to look at my furnace only he found the wrong one...



Furnace man:
We know. Look at this script.



Narr:
A ruffle of pages is heard.



Man:
What did he just say?


Man:
He's the narrator and sound effects man.


Narr:
That's right.


Man:
Now let me get this straight. You were pretending to be us all the while we were being us?


Man:
Right.


Furnace man:
And you were doing our voices all the while we were doing ourselves?



Furnace man:
Right.



Man:
So, are we just figments of someone else's imagination?



Furnace man:
I don't want to think about it.



Man:
So, why don't you guys go back in the basement and close the door and we'll get on with the program and you'll get on with your lives.



Furnace man:
Okay.



Narr:
Sound of footsteps, two sets of them, on studio floor. Door closes and latches.



Man:
That was weird.



Furnace man:
Right. Now, who should I charge for looking at the wrong furnace?



Man:
Bill the radio station.



Furnace man:
Good idea. Now, let's go look at your furnace.


Man:
Okay.



Narr:
Sound of feet going across concrete floor. Sound of footsteps, two sets of them, going up steps. Noise of well-oiled door closing silently and latching with an almost audible click.


Furnace man:
Y'know, something's been bothering me.



Man:
Such as?



Furnace man:
Well, when that door that opens into that basement that isn't supposed to be there swings open, it takes your toilet with it.



Man:
I hadn't noticed that.



Furnace man:
Watch.


Narr:
Sound of well-oiled door opening silently.



Furnace man:
See?



Man:
Yes. I don't believe it. Close it again and we'll see if the toilet still functions.



Furnace man:
Hell with that, see if it works while the door is open.



Man:
Okay, but if it makes a mess, it's your's to clean up.



Furnace man:
Okay.


Narr:
Sound of toilet flushing.



Man:
It worked.


Furnace man:
And no mess.


Narr:
Sound of well-oiled door closing on it's quiet hinges and latching with an inaudible boom.



Man:
I don't get any of this. How did you find that door in the first place?


Furnace man:
I don't know. I just knew it was there. I walked through the house, into the bathroom, opened the door and went into the basement. Unerring instinct.


Man:
Very few houses have basements around here.


Furnace man:
I've never failed to find one. And this is the first time it ever had the wrong furnace in it.


Man:
Wonderful. Why don't you go take a look at the real furnace while I call the National Enquirer.


Furnace man:
Okay.


Narr:
Thus ends another thrilling suspenseful tale, fulfilling your anticipation of the moment when it would be over. If anyone has been confused by this program, we apologize and respectfully request that you apply at the station as we need a few more employees. For Irritating Public Radio, I wish you good night.


Theme music up until out.


3/12-3/13/93