Rugby World Cup 2003 - The Bearbearians
Created | Updated Aug 5, 2003
With the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, Montague Trout profiles one of the teams to watch - The Bearbearians.
If you go down to the woods today
Prepare for a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise
Cos Mum and Dad are having a s**g
And Uncle Frank is having a w**k
And Auntie Flo is having a go with Grandad
- Terrace Chant at The Den
The Bearbearians Rugby Football Club, founded by US President Teddy Roosevelt in 1902, are now renowned globally for playing an ugly ursine form of the game. And whilst every game they play is a no-nonsense grizzly affair, the Bearbearians polarised the RFU world when they became the first outfit to take sponsorship, from soft drink company Koka-Koala.
The Squad
Props
Paddington's low-centre of gravity and willingness to fructo-load at every opportunity verify the young Peruvian's propensity for lining up on the front-row. Honey-munching Pooh is equal in every department to Paddington and will ensure that the front-row is balanced in both weight and stature, as well as possessing pace and dexterity as his fearless sorties into the apiary regularly demonstrate.
Hooker
Like any good hooker, Sooty the ursine glove-puppet is perpetually legless, and over 50 years of manually inspired repertory has taught him all that anyone ever needs to know, and more besides, about binding on.
Locks
In Jungle Book, street-smart Baloo demonstrates that he knows more than just the bare necessities of ball-handling skills when he juggles a paw-paw with dazzling ambidexterity. Joining Baloo in the second row, Rainbow's Bungle is another big strong tall lad and will compete for ball in the line-outs as long as he can he cope without the dual emotional crutches of oh-so-wimpy Geoffrey and the odious Zippy.
Loose Forwards
The Hair Bear Bunch make up the triumvirate of two flankers (Hair Bear and Square Bear) and an 8th man (Bubi Bear). Working as a team since 1972, they have persistently outwitted Mr. Peevly and his blockheaded assistant, Botch, with sustained speed, cunning and initiative.
Scrumhalf
Superted is the Welsh George Gregan. What team would be complete without such a superhero?
Flyhalf
Like a hirsute Stephen Larkham, Bunyip Bluegum's inspired performance as custodian of The Magic Pudding demonstrates his suitability for selection at pivot.
Centres
Yogi and Booboo, like the Hair Bear Bunch, have proven success at eluding the opposition. As a partnership they have been outsmarting Ranger Smith at the Jellystone Park for the last 30 years.
Wings
Left-footer, Aloysius Flyte is the elder statesman of the team and is picked for his deft Joe Roff touch and old-school tie. Wacky Races' Blubber Bear is selected on the opposite flank on the basis that between 1968 and 1970, the Arizona Chug-a-Bug won a record-breaking four races (equal best with Penelope Pitstop, the Anthill Mob and Peter Perfect). Like Jonah Lomu, jittery Blubber Bear may quake under pressure but he clearly knows how to hit the line first.
Fullback
From the Nutwood Club, Tartan-trousered Rupert's sense of calm under the high-ball and his willingness to mix it up with a turn of speed whenever necessary justify his selection at fullback. He is the Gavin Hastings of bears.
