h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Britain has it's fair share of dangerous creatures. The "Cow" has been known to break ankles, twist knees & shatter () wrists. "The COW?" you say, "but it's fairly innocuous!"

Let me tell you, behind it's big, soft ovine face, there's a twisted evil mind. It's attacks are subtle, it doesn't charge or pound on you (often), but stealthily lays down pats like a mine field, letting them go hard on the outer surface, whilst soft underneath. Precision "mining" of an area allows good camouflage in the grass. The unsuspecting walker treads on the fiborous waste and their weight sets it off. Within milliseconds the chain reaction happens, the hard outer surface appears stable underfoot, but the soft core is disrupted, shear forces rip through the inner fibres and the outer surface is sent flying in the path of least resistance. The walker is only becoming aware of the problem as their brain acknowledges the sight of both feet at head hight. Panic sets in, an involuntary yell escapes, any free limb is sent to soften the blow of the fall, and consequently takes the weight of the whole. Sprains, strains and fractures are not uncommon, but the worst is the greeny-brown sludge left on the walker's Rohan walking pants, as invariably the bottom has fallen into the cold, moist uncovered core.

The cows watch on, chewing the cud (a form of ovine laughter)!!

HB

yes I realise re-reading it... BOVINE , idjut!