h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This moment is somewhat akin to a livestock auction, in that everyone instinctively freezes, knowing that if you cough you will end up buying the farm, metaphorically speaking.

However, if you do know of a lawful reason, or just wish to avail yourself of the final chance to sexually harrass the bride(groom) some more, the correct procdure is as follows:

1) When the presiding official asks *that* question, say in a clear voice 'I do'; make yourself known to the official by either raising your hand or making clear eye contact.

2) Ask if you can raise your objections in private. This will clearly be less embarrassing for all concerned, and may stop you being lynched by irate relatives.

3) If you have a legal reason, providing evidence is the only sure-fire way to stop the ceremony. The official is quite entitled to proceed nevertheless with the consent of both parties.

4) If the service does proceed, the polite course of action is to leave the church/registry office/tightrope immediately. Do not attend the reception unless the other guests have a broad sense of humour or you don't bruise easily.



A completely unrelated wedding anecdote, which I thought I'd share:

Attending a wedding my Dad and his golf partner, the latter being a 18 stone Yorkshireman with a 'robust' sense of humour who hadn't attended church since his Christening, we sailed through the ceremony and the first two hymns (both of the 'All Things Bright and Beautiful easy-to-remember persuasion) without any problems. The third hymn, chosen by the bride's parents happened (thankfully) while the happy couple were signing the register, was a nasty piece of work, full of modulations, minor sixths and wrong notes from the organist. During the bridge to the third chorus, this obviously became too much for the golf partner, who in the tones of a foghorn announced: 'Bloody Hellfire, this is difficult!' and was promptly taken aside by several ushers while the five adjacent pew creased in laughter. At this point the vicar came out of the vestry to find out why everybody had stopped singing, and was unsurprisingly unable to find a convincing excuse...

B

"Ask if you can raise your objections in private"

I don't think you'd actually have much choice in the matter... I remember this discussion with a C of E minister who said that they were actually trained to deal with this situation... and the first thing they do is to get the people involved away from the public and into the vestry to deal with it in private.

Ah, well I've just been talking with the Methodist minister who came into the office (Methodism being particularly big in this part of the country, given that it was invented here), and he said the minister should give the objector the choice, rather than take control. He says he's only had to deal with one objection on legal grounds so far, and that took place in full view of the congregation.

B

I wonder what that tells us about the different churches... the CofE tries to hide things away while the methodists are quite happy to air their dirty laundry in public

I think most of the local citizenry don't give a stuff, and just go to their nearest church, irrespective of persuasion.

You get more bread and wine if you go to the Methodist chapel.

B

I suspect CofE is more popular. They generally have older, nicer, churches and they're the highest profile denomination in the UK.

Yeah, I was talking about this region mostly as far as indecision goes, because CofE churches and Methodist Chapels tend to be in equal number. John Wesley was born not 15 miles away.

B

Well, Guisborough has one of each, so that's equal numbers too, but I think St. Nick's Anglican gets more passing trade.

Passing trade?

You make it sound like a chippy!

I wandered into the Methodist Chapel in Guisborough once, when I was looking for a cafe.

B

Really? Well if it was Saturday morning you'd have been in luck. Otherwise there's a semi-permanent chip van in the carpark at the end of Chaloner street. There may be a tea shop around somewhere too.

It was a few years ago, now - before I ended up living in Saltburn. I think I ended finding a very nice sandwich shop instead.

B

Didn't know we had one of those. I'm intrigued as to how you could mistake the rather imposing church for a caff, though.

I wasn't looking very carefully - I had my nose in the local paper, looking for flats to rent.

The sandwich shop looked a bit rough-and-ready at the time; I suspect it went defunct a few years ago.

B

sorry to interrupt . . . and leap back to a few posts ago . . . but I thought you got very half hearted bread and wine in methodist churches? like a thimbleful of grape juice and a small square of home pride? (dangerous to swig booze as you might D&D on the way home then die of flu)

Yes, but they do it with frightening regularity every week. In CofE you only get the bread and wine on 'important' Sundays - Pentecost, Palm Sunday, that sort of thing.

B

I'm going to an Anglican church in Canada and they do it every week. Wafers and not bad wine too.