Hail and well meet!

Nestled halfway between Milwaukee in Wisconsin and Chicago in Illinois, you will find the Bristol Renaissance Faire which takes place in Kenosha (also in Wisconsin). It is a recreation of a renaissance village during fair time in the year 1574. Originally located in Illinois, after three years at a temporary site, it moved to its current permanent location. Originally started as a craft fair (King Richard's Faire), it now boasts 11 stages with continuous entertainment and over 50 food and beverage booths, in addition to over 200 craft vendors.

Who Will You Find There?

Patrons of the Faire fall into three general distinctions:

• First-timers - Your first-time or casual Faire-goer - dressed in modern-day clothing and fair game for the picking.

• Playtrons - Those dressed in 'garb', usually distinguishable from FOF (see below) and staff by some inconsistency in clothing (wrong shoes, zippers, other non-period attire).

• Friends of Faire (FOF) - Elaborate historically-correct costumes and volunteers extraordinaire.

Going to the Faire

The Faire runs for nine weekends during summer. Although the Faire does not open until 10am (with a pre-show outside the gate at 9:45) and the parking lot at 9am, you can find at least a dozen cars waiting to be admitted by 8.

Long before you reach the gate, you can hear Sir Barþolimieu shouting. 'Over here. The Faire is over here.' Make sure you're on time or you might hear, 'We started without you. The Faire started at ten of the clock. And you're late!'

If you haven't purchased your ticket in advance, head on up to the ticket windows. Please note: The rat there does not have the plague, the griffon is not real and yes, the sheep is wearing a chastity belt. Pick a short line, please. Otherwise Lady Rani, handmaiden to Prince Henri, crown prince of France and King of Frogs, is sure to yell at you. 'Look people, I'm standing at the end of a short line and I don't even need a ticket! Move it!' When that doesn't work (and it usually doesn't), she shouts:

People, we have windows with three kinds of lines, long lines, short lines, and no lines. Now the smart people are at the window with no lines. Where are you?'

Now, true, there are times when all the lines are long. That's a good time for Sir Barþolimieu¹ to explain just exactly what to do when you reach the front of the line:

You take your money to the ticket seller. The ticket seller will then give you a perfectly worthless piece of paper called a ticket. You then take your ticket to the ticket taker. The ticket taker will take your ticket, not just the tip of you ticket but the whole ticket. Do not attempt to take your ticket back from the ticket taker. If you want to leave the park, we will stamp your hand. Make sure you ask to be stamped not stomped. We had a terrible accident last week.

Attractions

The pre-show begins. Odorferious Thunderbottom, Bristol's privy cleaner, asks who want to be a buccaneer? This is interactive theatre. Don't expect just to stand back and watch. Volunteer, or better yet volunteer your friends. The townsfolk begin arriving. Jane the Foole helps set the stage for the battle between the 'Goode' Guys and the 'Badde' Guys. Our nobles are seen approaching. There is only one thing left to do. Open wide the gates!

All right, people, push and shove!

Finally, you're through the gate. Pick up a map and a show schedule. Check the signpost for special weekend events. Hopefully, you will have chosen a musical weekend when the Rogues or Corsairs are visiting. If not, maybe you are lucky enough to find Zilch, the Torysteller. Catch a mud show. It's a once in a lifetime experience. Jousting happens three times a day. Each joust is different. Period demonstrations can be found throughout the park. Attend tea with Lady Ettie. Watch the Swordsmen, they truly are bold and stupid men. Marvel at Moonie the Magnificent, slack wire extraordinaire. Watch the troll paint sand pictures. Be careful of his rats, they are real you know! Stop and listen to Seelie Court or CrossRouges. Watch the belly dancers while Scherazade spins a mystical tale.

If you have managed to arrive on time, various town dignitaries will be milling around. The minstrels will be playing. The revellers will be dancing. A brief taste of what is to come.

Ahead of you is the New Market Place, affectionately referred to by the villagers as the Serengeti. Come on one of our 90°-plus days and you'll soon understand. But please don't ask a villager if they are hot in their costumes. The ladies are wearing period garb and you are standing there half-naked (don't let our Puritan find you). Ahead is the mud pit and the military encampment. Shops and amusements for the wee ones surround you.

Head on up the hill. Your first chance at food! Garlic mushrooms (the best in the shire). Which way next, downhill towards the Wizard or across Guild Hall Row? Guild Hall, of course. Have to head for the bakery for breakfast and a pint next door at our first pub. No, not yet. It's too early to pub crawl.

Check out the merchants. Catch a show. Blow some bubbles. Sample some hot roasted nuts. Have your fortune told. Sail a boat in Prince Henry's pond. What was that rubble? Tummy is telling you its time for a snack. Fish and chips, wrapped up in the London Times? A mile-high crêpe creation? A turkey leg? No matter, they are all great.

Look at the time - it's twelve and forty five. It is time for her Majesty Queen Elizabeth Gloriana ('God Save the Queen') to arrive. Should you be only just now getting here, you can see the parade enter the gates, but don't fret. It winds throughout the shire. If you are lucky and Tilney is in fine form, you just might hear him cry: 'Gentles, you are so lucky - today you have a queen at both ends of your parade.' Conceited, isn't he? The Queen arrives seated side-saddle on her noble steed. She heeds the pleas of the box office wenches who are sitting behind bars. 'Tis a Faire day. Free the prisoners.' The parade continues on in through the gate. Peeking out through a gate in the fence, you will find the wenches cheering and waving. The parade winds its way through the shire to the Globe Stage. Before heading down to the Nobles Glade, her Majesty holds audience.

Time to wander again. So much to see, so much to buy, so much to eat, so little time left. The day must be coming to an end. The Dead Parade has just gone past. Don't pay attention to them. Don't invite the dead to visit. Do I hear drums? The drum jam is in full tilt up by the Wizard. The musician revel is in full swing down at the Midsummer's Stage. Five more minutes and it will be time to head for the gate.

As you leave, there's Lady Rani and Prince Henri. 'Last chance to kiss a frog.' 'Fare thee well.' 'Thank you for leaving.'

Oh wait. What do you hear now? The Queen is approaching followed closely by townsfolk. Quick, head out the gate. It's time for one last song, farewell from the Queen, and one last speech. The magic is over for today.

Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!