h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, I am new to this being single thing, and finding it a tad confusing. I want to ask the advice of some of the wise and wicked women on this site, and I decided to post here rather than ask the community or post in the cathouse. (Damn dogs, all that testosterone).

There are a lot of things we inherit from our mothers, and I inherited a dose of sexual hangups from mine. It is called cultural transference. I am 39, and was with The Former Mr Ben from the age of 21 up until last year. I started late, and was completely faithful during that time, so there is a whole bunch of stuff about this dating thing I just don't know about.

During the end of last year and the beginning of this year I was working as an IT consultant in Stockholm with a bunch of lovely guys. Some were single some were married and working away from home, most were in their early 30s, and we were all dumped in Stockholm together. Socialising was not a problem. There was no need for a sexual subtext. The question really WAS 'do you fancy a movie' and not 'do you fancy me'. It was like being at college but with more money.

Back to my mother - the main sexual hangup I still retain is 'thou shalt not lead men on'. Now I don't lead them on sexually unless that is where I want them to go, though I could, and did, flirt for my country.

Where I am confused now is what do I do about men who I like, but don't fancy? Do I go out for a meal, see a movie, go for what might be a date, when I know that they want what the Victorians would call 'more than that'? Or don't I? If I say no just because I don't fancy someone I cut myself off from a lot of fun. If I say yes I put some nice guy though the pangs of unrequited l-word stuff. I've been in the unrequited l-word space, and it hurts. And being the age I am the poor buggers have been through some s**t themselves, and guys can be vulnerable too. As you know I care very much what people feel, (though I usually care about what they think).

It boils down to - how responsible am I for someone else's feelings?

Is it reasonable to try to make sure someone does not get hurt, or should I regard whether they get hurt as their responsibility so long as I am kind and careful about it?

And - do I go on dates when I know there is no chance I will ever put out?

*Baffled by this love and sex stuff....*

a girl called Ben

I think it would be a shame to deny yourself a good time with a potential friend, just because you're worried that he might develop stronger feelings for you than friendship.

I also think it's a horrible thing to allow someone to believe that sticky involvements might lie on the horizon, if you're quite certain you aren't interested. That does hurt, a lot.

In my opinion, the best way to proceed would be to be quite honest with him before you ever go out with him. Ex: I think you're a great guy, and I'd love to spend some time with you, but I can't imagine a relationship with you that would go further than friendship, and I don't have the patience to deal with it if you think that's something that's going to change. That's a really blunt statement, but I think it's better to be blunt than let them think they might change your mind.

It's not a perfect solution, because some guys will try to save their wounded ego by going overboard and denying vehemently that they NEVER had any interest in you 'that way' and it can make things awkward for a while when you're around them. Some guys will see it as a challenge and agree, but do everything in their power to change your mind anyway. And some guys will be reasonable and decide whether they want the kind of friendship you've offered, and tell you, and then you can spend time together or not, depending on their choice. I think it's worth it to weed through the others in that way, because you can have some really GREAT friendships grow from that kind of honesty.

You aren't responsible for anyone else's feelings, but you are responsible for your own behavior. Just be really careful not to behave in ways that are likely to send mixed messages. And if you see him doing something that makes you wonder about his motives, question him about it, right then.

When I'm in one of those types of situations I make it a point to always pay my share... that way I never feel guilty at the end of a date if he wants a 'friendly' hug or kiss and I don't. In my mind, it's more like hanging out with a buddy when I don't allow for any misconceptions about 'owing' someone something.

Thanks Magnolia

What about someone who has declared an interest which I turned down (as kindly as I could), whose company I enjoy and who has opinions that interest me? ie - I like hanging out with him, but I am afraid it may hurt him if I do.

***B

I thought about this one for a while, before coming back to answer.

I guess it boils down to this. Do you respect him? Is he someone who makes good decisions? Does he seem to know his own mind? If so, then enjoy his company if you've made yourself clear.

If he strikes you as the type who is easily deluded, then perhaps it's best to stay away, if only so you don't have to deal with the frustration and guilt if he does become attached.

Thank you Magnolia.

***B

easy sex.

is there such a thing? How can I get some without that 'relationship' nonsense...

without picking up crap blokes in bars...

without rubbish dates?

without paying?

Question 2. great sex. I'm well aware that there is such a thing, just not happening for me right now. (well, it makes the computer all sticky)

So am I right in thinking you want sex without the relationship stuff and I want to be able to have friendships without the sex stuff?

Sounds like an economical use of resources to me! I'll talk to them, and you can take them to bed!

In fact of course what I want is sex without the fall-out, same as you.

a cynic called Ben

Age limit?

I'm flirting with a younger bloke - me 25, he 16 going on 17. i have wondered idly about the chances of taking him under my wing and teaching him a thing or two...

On the other hand, a cockney 'gentleman' is flirting wildly with me, he's at least twice my age but great company and had made it very clear that 'ooh i could f**k you right now.' We were sat at a canalside beer garden at that time, so he wasn't being entirely literal, but thru emails we've exchanged its clear what he wants.

And I must admit, I have been wondering. I suppose the thing is its obvious that neither of these would ever go anywhere - at best a fun shag, at worst ~ well - its always easy to imagine the worst isn't it. Cheapening, nasty regretable. Been there already and would rather avoid.

But, if this lovely chassis of mine don't get a good serviceing soon i think the parts'll seize up and i'll blow a gasket. AAAAAGH!

Advice needed from wise and wicked ladies...

I have a friend - who is actually a hootoo researcher, so I may point her in the direction of this thread - who says it is every woman's duty to take a young boy under her wing, and teach him everything she knows. That sounds like harmless fun to me. But don't go breaking his heart. The age-difference is nice too. I have too much cellulite to feel entirely comfortable with someone under the age of 30.

Your cockney gent? All I seem to be attracting at the moment is married men, and sisterhood is too powerful for me to go there. So I assume he is single? Well if what he wants to do is fling you over a picnic table and frighten the ducks.... that sounds like harmless fun to me too. And it would be something to post in the most unusual place you have made love thread!

If you want to avoid 'cheapening, nasty and regrettable' stay sober. (F**king is so much nicer when you are not drunk, anyway), and ask yourself what advice you would give to your best friend if she was contemplating sleeping with either of those two guys.

My advice? If you can have a good time without harming anyone - why the hell not?

But what do I know? I am the dumb broad that started this thread anyway.

a dumb broad called Ben

That's sound advice, Ben. You're definitly NOT a dumb broad.

Why are you worrying about cellulite with the under 30 fellas? A lot of them don't care, and the ones that do probably aren't the types who'd be very fun to play with, anyway. I wouldn't just automatically bypass them. It seems that there are a HUGE amount of young men out there who are actively seeking women of a certain age...*snort* OUR age! ... because we tend to be a little more relaxed than those who haven't earned their cellulite yet. I'd say go for it, if you run across one who strikes your fancy. I've been seeing a lovely young man for the past 6 months or so, and one of the nicest parts of that relationship is that we can enjoy the hell out of each other because a lot of the usual stressors are simply not there. We both know that our relationship is not going to develop into anything more than what it already is.

Oh those wonderfully relaxing relationships, which are about entertainment and friendship and sex, and that's all.

Been there, done that, and it was utter bliss. Want another one, and want it now...!

I'll take your advice MoG, and be more confident with the young ones.

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

a woman of a certain age called Ben

Hiya. Kisses all round.

It's been nearly a year since the last post. Any luck?

Well, I am still just as single if not more so than I was when I first posted. And apart from a few hours re-run with an old flame in a seedy hotel I haven't had any sex either.

I don't know about Scarab's gaskets, but mine are completely shot!

The friend who wanted more? He moved out from his wife late last year, and I saw him a couple of times. Strictly platonic. But we have been in different countries for most of this year, and he is on my list of people to email. I do wonder how he is, and wish him well.

My heart took a little light bruising earlier this year because I almost fell for someone who was very unavailable. Nothing disasterous, and one of those things.

I pick an Angel Card once a week or so. (These are little cards with abstract nouns on them - which are scarily apposite). I kept on getting 'Truth' for weeks in the Summer. That situation resolved. (Strange how we won't let go of our denial when we are in denial, and feel so much better when we have let go of it afterwards).

These days I am getting 'Freedom' which is lovely and 'Love' which is beginning to make me slightly cross. I don't want love. I want amusement and fun and lots and lots of lovely pleasure.

B

Hola Ben,

but love is amusement and fun and lots of lovely pleasure and if u r lucky, sex can be like that too.

In the 18 months or so since I've been 'available' I've had about a dozen 'liasons' varying from a couple of months to a couple of hours . Now, previously to this I had only had one lover, and so its all been fun and new to me, all this smoochy fun with lots of different geezers.

And what have I learned?

Well, its a cliche, but *drumroll* Suprise!

THEY'RE ALL B******S!!!

Who'da thunk it!

I've had a casual relationship with a married man based just on sex, and he staggered out of my life because he thought I spent too much time with my ex. I've been turned down in favour of an addictive substance. I've been dumpd by txt msg, stood up, waited by the phone and a dozen other cliches. I've obsessed over the right underwear for a date, the right selection and order of wear for underwear over the 3 days of a dirty weekend, and plucked, shaved and trimmed my body hair as I wear more revealing clothes because even though they are all b******s sometimes, occasionally one could hope to meet an exception.

And I've had a helluva lot of fun. I've dated guys I met on the bus, I've used 'great lines,' I've sent filthy txtmsgs and emails laden with subtext, sent gifts, been in the right place at the right time and grabbed my Mr Right now.

There is no decent advice available other than to have as much fun as possible and not take it to heart. Occasionally I've leapt out of my cynical head for a week or two, but when my hopes are dashed again there is no point as its only to be expected because ALL MEN ARE B******S.

So be a bit of a bitch and enjoy yourself. I don't actually mean be mean, but I do mean that with honesty and a sense of fun getting a f**k doesn't always have to be a headf**k.

Good luck!