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Issue 4 - 10th December 2000

h2g2 Researchers Accused Of Being Sensible

A recent investigation into the lives of h2g2 researchers has found that some researchers have gone against the unwritten law of h2g2 and not acted in any weird or bizarre fashion since they signed on to h2g2.

Certain researchers, who cannot be named for legal reasons, have been found to not only have nothing funny or weird written on their user space, but they also have never added a witty remark to the end of their user name.

'This blatant disregard for the core principles of h2g2 has got to stop,' remarked one long-standing researcher. 'When we visit a home page or read a conversation, we expect to be amused with childish humour. We don't expect sensible, factual debate. I feel that the h2g2 community as a whole should stand up together and demand more stringent rules.'

Some researchers fear that the influx of sensible community members could begin to affect existing researchers. On several occasions, previously witty researchers have been spotted engaging in sensible conversation with new researchers. These traitors have, of course, been publicly snubbed and ignored until they realise their mistake and post a suitably weird offer of a salted donut in the offending conversation.

Smiley Abuse Suspected At Towers

Recently these shocking photographs were sent to ParanoiaPost by an anonymous spy in h2g2 Towers. They show the extent of the cruelty that the Towers have engaged in, as part of their live smiley testing. Despite the highly vocal protests of the RSPCS and other smiley rights groups, h2g2 Towers have continued in their forum smiley research, no matter the cost.

The smileys held captive by the Towers are regularly abused in efforts to test emotion principles. The two smileys to the left in the photograph were beaten by h2g2 staff with an unidentified blunt object, and the two to the right were fed toxic substances.

Current internet law permits such acts of cruelty in the name of research. However, websites such as h2g2 have been publicly accused of going too far, and it seems likely that a complete ban on smiley abuse will be pushed through parliament within the year. A spokesperson from the Alabaster House announced, 'We are well aware of the issues of smiley abuse. If a ban means the resulting increase in our popularity ratings outweighs the profits we earn from smiley research, we will encourage and enforce it.'

Leading Politician Thinks Before Speaking

The latest from London: Reports are coming through that a leading politician, in a speech to Parliament this morning, paused to think before speaking.

This astonishing event has never before occurred. Dozing MPs were left speechless after this display of intellectual dexterity; and to mark the occasion, Parliament was closed for the afternoon and they all celebrated down the local.

The actual sentence the polititian spoke after thinking was not recorded; according to listeners, it sounded just like the rest of the hot air spouted by him daily.

Earthquake Causes Pub To Subside At h2g2 Meetup

Attendants at the recent h2g2 Christmas Meetup in London were surprised at The Wellington free house by an earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Fischter scale. The unexpected earthquake caused part of the pub's foundations to collapse and the whole room to lean to one side, causing many researchers to be flung helplessly into the lower corner.

'It was awful,' commented one researcher, recovering in an ambulance afterwards. 'We were squeezed together in the corner against our will. There must have been about ten of us, all in a pile, with no regard for personal space.'

While they waited to be rescued, they passed their time by drinking, feeling random legs, and passing suggestive remarks.

The Truth Behind University Catering Revealed

Contributed by MaW

Students have recently discovered the true ingredient of the food served to them at University, answering forever questions about why all the so-called different meats served taste very similar and look almost identical. Initial suspicions by h2g2 Researcher and fully-catered University student U158467 led to undercover investigations, which show that the meat that goes into University food is not from the animal from which it is claimed to be, but rather from an immensely large, fast-growing and cheap animal known as an omnibeast, named for its bizarre anatomy which, with judicious butchering and carving, allows it to be served in place of almost any meat except venison or duck.

Unfortunately the ParanoiaPost was unable to obtain pictures of any of the omnibeast carcasses being delivered to a catering facility, as it happens late at night when the ParanoiaPost team are busy on h2g2 or out drinking. However, investigation is ongoing and there are high hopes of tracing the deliveries back to wherever it is that the mysterious omnibeasts are raised and slaughtered. In the next edition, we hope to reveal the omnibeast itself, its habitat, origins and where it is being farmed.

Columns

Technology Review, with Mavis Thornbury

Microsoft Windows Millenium Edition CD

Lovely shiny coaster, terribly expensive though.

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