Time for me to dust off the h2g2 notebook and start up In Other Words again, my friends!

Because I took a writing break, I've had more spare time than you could chuck a stick at. Therefore, I've been doing me some reading! And what better a light read for a long winter's day than a timeless story about chivalry, bravery, nobility, and demonic monsters? Yes, I've picked up Beowulf. The Ancient tale of the brave warrior who battled the horrible powers afflicting the good people of Denmark with sheer strength and utter stupidity! Don't get me wrong, I loved the story, but despite the evident themes in this epic poem, the one that I can't seem to shake is the theme of idiocy.

Okay okay, so Beowulf is the strongest guy in the known world, but fighting a demon who can kill thirty men in one swipe with your bare hands? I think Beowulf's either been smokin' the reefer, or he's one dragon short of a bundle. Allow me to share with you my rendition of Beowulf as he confronts the monster Grendel:

Beowulf: 'Yo! Grendel! Getcho sorry butt over here you sad excuse for one of God's rejects! I gotta bone to pick with you!'

Grendel: ''Scuse me?'

Beowulf: 'Yea, that's right. I don't much appreciate you and this whole killing innocent civilians business. So I'm going to kill you with my bare hands!'

Grendel: ''Scuse me?'

Beowulf: 'And then, I'm going to lift up this entire Mead Hall with my tongue and throw it on you because I'm pretty sure I can! Gung ho!'

(Beowulf swings madly at Grendel while Grendel holds him at arm's length with his hand.)

As I was reading this, I could not help but wonder why on Earth Beowulf didn't just keep his trap shut and run away like a good little human. Am I alone in thinking that violence is not the answer? I think this would have worked out much better:

Beowulf: 'I do say, Grendel! Come hither. I wish to have a word with thee.'

Grendel: 'Oh, certainly Mr. Beowulf Sir.'

Beowulf: 'Now, Dear Grendel, I would like to ask you to stop all this brutal murder nonsense. It's quite a nuisance and seems to be putting a damper on everyone's mood.'

Grendel: 'Oh! I hadn't any idea! I'll certainly cease at once. Thank you so much for asking, and not right out ripping my arm off and stealing my head!'

Aaaah, the joy of peace. I guess I just don't understand those silly brave guys. They're all completely convinced that they can just totter off, find a dragon's lair, slay the dragon, gallivant home in all their glorious splendour, then drink themselves into a disgusting stupor. Guts and Glory? How about death and mutilation, you morons?! Now get your sword, your shield, your chain mail, and your battle armour, and get the heck out of these perfectly good stories. Who cares if there'd be no plot without you! I don't want all the little kids around to think that they can destroy an evil demon with their bare hands. Who knows what kind of injuries they could inflict upon themselves or Britney Spears.¹

I'm all for fantasy, but Beowulf darling, you really are a numbskull.

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphod

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