What is a SubGenius?

Deep in the annals of time and space there was a Great Awakening. This most probably occurred directly after a Great Party the night before, and was immediately followed by a Great Hangover. And the Elder Gods of the omniverse took some various and sundry Hangover Remedies, which was the beginning of the Other Great Party since most of those Hangover Remedies were designed just to get the Elder Gods drunk again.

And so were the days and nights of the Elder Gods until one of the Elder Gods took some Particularly Nasty Hangover Remedies and came up with an idea. What if they actually created Lesser Beings to worship them? The other Elder Gods also concurred that this was a particularly neat and fun idea, since they were getting rather tired of worshipping one another.

However, an Elder God who had the inside track on some Even More Particularly Nasty Hangover Remedies showed up and soon after forgot completely about the idea of Creating Lesser Beings.

The Lesser Beings showed up anyway, and the first ones were pretty ticked off they hadn't been invited to any of the Parties.

Those Lesser Beings with an attitude were the SubGeniuses, and it was revealed over time that they were not actually Lesser. They were Greater than the Elder Gods. However, the Elder Gods didn't let the SubGeniuses in on that, for fear they'd stop cleaning up after the Elder Gods and their Parties.

Then one day, the Elder Gods took some Particularly Paranoid-Inducing Hangover Remedies, and promptly carted up all the SubGeniuses, separated them from the other Lesser Beings, and banished them to a small blue-green planet in the western spiral arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. They were thrown so hard in their little meterorite ship that they caused quite a mess on the little planet and killed almost everything that had been living there up until then, including most of the dinosaurs.

These first SubGeniuses are known by conventional pink scientific theory as the Yeti. Large hairy b******s that never bathed and spent most of their time slacking off in the mountains and wildlife. Also on this planet were some little humanoid mammals that lost their tails over several thousands of years of evolution. Over a period of time the Yetisyny SubGeniuses and the evolving mammals that were native to this planet began to take on almost identical features. However, genetically they were radically different.

It is believed that much of the similarity came from the fact that the Paranoid Elder Gods had given the SubGeniuses amnesia. They threw the SubGeniuses pretty hard and they all landed on their heads. So the SubGeniuses didn't know they weren't supposed to fraternize with the locals, and the genetic code became mixed and intermingled. Earth now consists of "pinks" who are pure lesser beings, distorted half-breeds who either think they are of the Yeti or have not realized their full potential, and trueblood SubGeniuses. Even half-breeds have the dormant gene, and can theoretically become true SubGeniuses provided they culivate their abnormality, and shun the ways of the descendants of the treedwellers and bottomfeeders of this world.

That is of course, if they pay their dues to "Bob".

For more information about the SubGenius Faith, please direct your browsers to The Church of the SubGenius and prepare to be awakened.

See Also:
• Bob Dobbs
• slack