Bread Is Dangerous

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
   
   The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

The Toddler Diet

• Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
• Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
  
  Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
• Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

• Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
• Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
• Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
• Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

• Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
• Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
• Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

• Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
• Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
• Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-aid and suck up with a straw.

Diary Of A Cook

How To Tell When Food Has Gone Bad

• Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
• Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
• Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
• Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
• Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
• Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any
  loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
• Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
• Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
• A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
• Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
• Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
• If you can take chip dip out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
• SPECIAL NOTE ON REFRIDGERATED UNMARKED ITEMS ENCLOSED IN TUPPERWARE:
• You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
• Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

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