h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here is a lovely little story from an age in our history completely unknown to most of our present generation. A story almost beyond belief, fiction writers could never in a lifetime imagine it and the media have never even heard of it, but I can assure that it did happen, as I disclose this long kept secret.

Before anyone doubts the authenticity of my little story, which is condensed in my normal manner for easy reading by anyone or indeed any age group, I would respectfully mention that H.M. Our Queen does know the full story quite well, and has given her permission to publish it.

Her Majesty Queen Mary, the widow of King George the Fifth, Her Majesty The Queen’s Grandmother was a formidable lady who did not suffer fools gladly, and she certainly knew just how to deflate a pompous one when necessary. My great, long lasting friend and tutor ex Chief Inspector Terry Shelton then a young constable, and his legendary police-dog Big Ben were on night duty at the Royal Residence, and there was a very serious complaint regarding the alleged, anti -social behaviour of the police dog during the night. The Head Gardener had spotted a nasty looking yellow stain on a perfectly painted, extremely white wall and Ben was getting the blame.

Terry was furious about the matter, as he always defended his work mates to the highest degree when it was deserved. He refused to let Ben take the blame for the misdemeanour, and when Her Majesty Queen Mary heard about the incident from some source or other this very Royal lady decided to sort it out for herself. First she asked the Head Gardener to show her the evidence of his complaint and he triumphantly did so. Jubilant at being singled out to escort this very important lady around the Royal Gardens, he began to feel very important too.

Armed with the usual knowledge possessed by most of our Royal Family, regarding the animal kingdom and its habits. Queen Mary very quickly reached a conclusion, but she did not immediately disclose her knowledge regarding animal and human behaviour.
“ I will wait here, will you please go and bring a tape measure, a pencil and a piece of paper to me “ she said to him. “ Yes Ma’am,” he replied, still unaware that a conclusion had already been reached.

On his return Queen Mary said, “ Please measure that stain from the ground to the very top where the paint is still white.” When he had done so, and at her request carefully written down the measurement, she very sweetly said, “ Do you want to go and measure the guardsman who was on duty last night or are you satisfied with the evidence that you have seen? ” In absolute silence, he just stood there with his mouth wide open as the lady walked away, unescorted by him this time. Memories are made of this!

Cheers H.