h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just A Coaled Night.

Storm had cut a paw, nothing serious but he was having a couple of days off, and I had teamed up with Jimmy Wicks one of our top rated mobile patrol officers; Jim’s partner Ernie Simcox had a similar problem, not a cut paw, more probably a cold.

Beattie’s Coal Yard in Ardwick had been having some losses of coal from their stocks stacked by the wall adjoining Ardwick Flats, and Sherlock Holmes was not needed to deduce one simple fact; the coal was going into the flats.

We were walking by the wall between the coal yard and the flats when there were two loud bumps, and two sacks of coal landed almost at our feet, followed immediately by two coal dusted figures, who automatically presumed that we were about to steal their coal.

They gave a kind of a low growl to protect their property, and we just walked past the coal without a sound, this gave the two men both satisfaction and obvious confidence.

Jim and I worked almost but not quite, as efficiently as Storm and I. We both turned together and as soon as the two men picked up the sacks of coal we were on each side of them, and they had both of their hands full.

I said “ Police, I am arresting you for stealing this coal, “ and I’m Father Christmas “ said one of the thieves. “
“ And I am one of his reindeer “ said Jim.

This was followed by click; click, as two pairs of handcuffs were snapped on.
“ Hell, they are not kidding,” said Father Christmas, and two bags of coal fell to the ground with two dull thuds.

“ It’s like this officers, my kids are at home and we have no fire or heating, my mate is only helping me to keep them warm.”

“ Right ” said Jim, a man of instant decisions when required.“ One of you can bring a sack of coal and come with us, while we have a look to see if you are telling the truth. The other one can stay here by the bus stop, and look after one bag of coal. ”

He then handcuffed him to the railings by the bus stop and away we went into the flats. Exactly as the man had said, there were four children and their mother huddled around a few embers of smouldering wood. “ We’ve got locked up,” he said “ I will probably see you in the morning.”

“ Right, tip that bag there before we go,” said Jim, then we all went to join the other man who was most certainly not waiting for a bus. “ Put half of that coal in the empty bag while my mate goes for the van ” Jim said, and away I went for the van.

At Hyde Road Police Station Jim charged them both, and we got a guilty reply. When the Charge Sergeant asked if we had any objection to bail, Jim replied that they were sound to turn up in the morning for Court, as he had already tested their address.

When they were leaving Hyde Road Police Station, one of them said, “ I would like to take you two for a pint,” but Jimmy said, “ Go and have one on me see you in the morning,” as he slipped him a ten shilling note.

The morning after they both appeared in Court, pleaded Guilty as expected, and Jimmy told the story of the children with no fire. He never mentioned the bit about leaving a bag of Beattie’s best nuts at the house, and the two men received a smacked wrist each.

When we were all leaving the Court together, our clients were stopped by a City Detective on a fishing trip. “ What have you two been up to now.” It was obvious that he knew them both quite well, and he received an answer he most certainly never expected. “ You can push off Simpson, we are with these two and if we have any more business we are giving it to them.”