h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I went to pick up the '51 Chevy last weekend, I also went to my friend Clifton's wedding. I know Clif and Louann from school, so when they told me the wedding date I made plans to attend and also arranged with my friend Charley to pick up the car that weekend. Then Clif tells me he's having a LAN party on saturday and the wedding on monday. I arranged with Billy at work to borrow his dually and trailer. No problem, right? I plan on leaving early in the morning and being at Clifton's around noon.

Saturday morning comes around and I get a call from Greg from work who asks, "Are you borrowing Billy's trailer?"
"Yes."
"I didn't know he had a trailer that big. I need to pick some stuff up in Shawnee. Is it alright if I borrow it this morning before you leave?"
I do some mental re-planning "Sure."
"I'll have it back by noon."

Noon comes around and I head to the shop where I work to pick up the trailer. Billy's there and he says, "Greg loaded up and started back when he had a flat. He called about fifteen minutes ago and said it'll be about forty-five minutes before he can get back on the road."

About one-thirty Greg pulls up with the load of wood piled high on the trailer. He apologizes for being late, which isn't a problem because I'm damn glad it wasn't me having a flat down the road. I help him unload then back the dually up and attach the trailer.

I put twenty dollars in gas in the tanks and leave Edmond. About two hours later I roll into Okmulgee and pull up to Charley's house. We load the car onto the trailer and detach the dually. I pay for the car and leave the trailer. I'd pick up the title and trailer tuesday morning on my way back to town. I'm glad I have friends I can trust that much.

I put twenty more dollars in gas into the tank and leave for Sapulpa at four-thirty. An hour later I pull into Sapulpa and call Clifton from the Gas-n-Go. He drives into town and I follow him south further than anyone should live from town. I realize that we're almost in Mounds, which is about as small as a town can get and still inhabit a spot on the map. I know how to get to Mounds but Clif didn't think I could find my way, even though he was with me the last time I was there.

The LAN party is about half over when we get there. I plug my computer into the network and begin getting slaughtered at Quake3 and Quake2 Capture the Flag. It turns out that Clif's friend Earl belongs to one of the more prestigious Q2 CTF clans and has been practicing at Q3. I die a lot. I die some more. I get on a lucky streak and kill him about five times in a row. Then I die a lot more.

Sunday we drive to Norman to pick up Tammi, another friend for the wedding, who I could've picked up the day before if anybody had bothered to ask. Monday morning I am told that Clif and I need to smoke the brisquet for the wedding. Louann knows all there is to know about smoking brisquet, but is too busy. Clif is too busy, but he helps get the fire going. I spend all day tending the fire. The wedding is supposed to be a seven. At four Clif tells me we need to drive into Tulsa to get more chairs and can we use the truck since it'll hold more than his S-15 Jimmy? Sure, Billy won't mind.

We pick up Earl and a lot of chairs at TU. We drive over to Steve's so Clif and I can take showers. There is no running water at Clif's as the well and septic tank have not been installed in his recently purchased home. Steve also does not know the way to Clif's so he and Jennifer follow in his car. We are almost back in Sapulpa when Clif gets a page. His parents are at Gas-n-Go, Clif knows this because he recognizes the pay-phone's number which I had dialed two days before. At Gas-n-Go we get Clif's parents to follow us in one car, while the minister and his wife follow in another.

It is now just past seven, we are a train of four vehicles heading to Wal-Mart for last minute supplies. Clif, Earl, Steve, and I run into Wal-Mart, each of us in search of a different item. Using this loosely planned method we get everything we need in about fifteen minutes. When told I need to get dowel sticks I ask why.
"To make the signs pointing the way to the house."
"I think it's a little late for that Clif."

We check out and begin caravanning the rest of the way to Clif's. We get there at about seven forty-five. The bride is still wearing jeans and setting up. The brisquet is done and I haven't eaten all day. I can barely keep from salivating.
Clif says, "Oh yeah, you're the ring bearer. Tammy will hold the groom's ring and Earl will hold the bride's ring."
"Then why am I the ring bearer if they're holding the rings?"
"You stand there and hold the ring pillow."
I look at the ring pillow. It's pink and shaped like a heart. The lace also helps me make my decision. "No, thank you." The bride gripes me out later.

At eight thirty the wedding begins. It's a pretty short service, my job ends up being to videotape it. Afterwards we eat brisquet and other great food prepared by Tammi, who has a Culinary Arts degree.

Louann's grandmother approaches me and asks, "What kind of wood did you use to smoke this brisquet?"
"Hickory I think."
"No."
"Umm, we took a leaf off the hickory tree out there and pulled out all the wood from the brush pile that had that kind of leaf on it, but some blackjack may have gotten in there."
"Yep. It's not hickory. But it's good brisquet anyways."
I feel proud, it's my first smoked brisquet.

We pack the chairs back into the truck, put another twenty dollars in the tank in Sapulpa, and Earl and I head back to TU. We unload the chairs, Earl goes home, and I crash at Steve's at 2 am. The next morning I go to Okmulgee, get the car and the title and head for Edmond. I pull up to the shop at noon, weave through the gate and catch one of the trailer's tires on it, flattening the tire. I'm tired, hungry, the truck's tank is empty again, and I have to work the rest of the day.