h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What is kitchen design? I don't rightly know, actually.

I myself am a Kitchen Designer. That is, I design kitchens and get paid menial amounts of money for it.

I am also spectacularly terrible at it, which is less than useful. I do however, feel an irresistable urge, now that I have the medium of h2g2, to expound upon the Kitchen Designers thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

I'm not going to do that now though. Now, I am going to let everyone know what Kitchen Design is and how not to do it. Simple enough, you might think, but no... Kitchen Design is far 'too' simple.

Kitchen Design, for the masses, is Lego without the fancy dragons or spaceage stuff that makes lego interesting.

Instead, you can augment your lego box with "laminate worktops," or "self-cleaning ovens."

By the way, if you ever wish to buy a self-cleaning oven, there are two types: Bad ones and extremely dangerous ones.

A self-cleaning oven generaly works by immitating a miniature blast-furnace and getting so hot that anything within it turns to a form of matter known as "Oooh."
Oooh collects in a small well at a bottom of an oven, to be collected later by using a cute little dustpan and brush.
The cooler alternative is for an oven to have a different well for the purpose of receiving water. This water is then vapourised, and is absorbed by anything within the oven, turning it to a form of matter known as "Goo."
Goo is then casually wiped off by the user later on, via the means of a damp cloth.

The Goo method, is nasty and smells unpleasant, you also have to clean it after it has "self-cleaned," which defeats the purpose slightly.
The Oooh method is clean and smells oddly musty. However, having an appliance that heats itself to well over 650 degrees centigrade and stays there is not a clever thing to do. This is especially true if you want you kitchen cupboards to stay the same shape for the next five years.

The next episode of "Kitchen Design?" should be on the shelves soon, suggestions on a postcard please...