h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been writing short stories in the style of Douglas Adams for a while. Here's one of them:


Far out on the unfashionable end of the Galaxy, far from the small unregarded blue-green planet Earth however, lies a tiny star system called the Balbalbalbal system. Most of the few residents of the Galaxy who care enough to read about it and talk about it enough to neccessetate an abbreviation call it Bal4, in a similar way the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is abbreviated as H2g2. The star system Bal4 contains only two planets: Bal4 Alpha and Bal4 Zalpha.
Bal4 Alpha is, or rather was, a small blue-green planet that was a lot like Earth, only much better. It had many jungles, forests, plains, icebergs, deserts, and oceans that were plentiful for all life inhabiting it. However, it had no intelligent beings living on it.
Bal4 Zalpha is nothing like it. It is completely a wasteland world with only one species of life on it. They are intelligent life, or rather unintelligent life that just barely has primitive inventions and achievements such as the spaceship, the atomic missile, and the telephone. They lived lives of illusion, not realizing that they were on a pretty stupid planet. They called theirselves 'the Uhh...s of Bal4 Zalpha.' This is because they never got around to thinking about what their species name would be, because they're not very intelligent, remember? Since we still haven't come up with anything better, they are widely accepted as the Uhh...s of Bal4 Zalpha.
Their civilization was okay at first. They would spend every single weekday, except for Thing (which they called Hmm...day), walking their dogs, or as they called them, Umm...s, in their planet's parks 14 hours a day. On Hmm...day, they would do things that they wouldn't ever normally do, because that's just what kind of day Hmm...day was for them. And on the weekends, they would just sip their ehh...fee and read their err...papers until it was time for bed. Or as they called it... Ugh, never mind.
But then they had a revelation one day, all at the same time. They realized that their lives were BORING. They needed something exciting to keep them busy now. Then one guy pointed out that there was a huge planet in the sky that none of them had noticed before. That planet was Bal4 Alpha.
Unfortunately, 10 years after the Uhh...s had colonized Bal4 Alpha, President Well...ingham announced that they had recieved a TV broadcast from a distant planet apparently ruled by an evil purple dinosaur and his evil friends. They all had shape-shifting powers to turn into puppets, which frightened the President so much that as he said it, he died. In fact, every living thing on Bal4 Alpha, plus the Uhh...s on Zalph, including plants and unintelligent animals, died of fright.
Two hundred years later, Bal4 Alpha was bought by the new Magrathea planet company. Bal4 Zalpha wasn't taken, though, because it was such a dumb planet.
There are two morals of this long and pointless story:
1) Never, ever, EVER colonize other planets or you're putting everything on them at risk.
2) Never, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER, and I really mean it too, make such a TV show or who knows what could happen!