h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

what do ten baritones sound like under water?
a good idea
How man trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!

What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
They are both murder on the high C's!

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.

How many trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

What do trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?"
"But Johnny, you can't do both."

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it!

What do you do with a bad trumpet player? Give him two sticks and make him a percussionist... What do you do with a bad percussionist? Take one stick away and make him a conductor!

If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
Answer... the out-of-tune sax player! Reason...the other two indicate you've been hallucinating!

What should you do if you run over a euphonium? Back up!

How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they can't reach that high.

How do you know when a horn section is outside your door?
N one knows when to come in.

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a French horn player?
Hrn players think that they are gifts from God and Trumpet players know it.

What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?

The pizza can feed a family of four

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to god

percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets himself with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with himself

saxophone player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself

clarinet player: (Dedicated to a clarinet player I know)
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is god

trombone player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with god

flautist:
barely clears a Quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by god

oboist:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to god if special request is approved

bassoonist:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals

trumpet player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's god.

horn player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is god

So... Two Tuba Players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!
How do you get two flutes to play in unison. . . . . .

shoot one.



Alright, well there was an orchestra concert coming up, and they were going to end with Beethoven's 9th Symphony. However, some of the orchestra memebers decided to play a joke on the conductor and tied the pages of the score closed so that they wouldn't open. The Bassoon players had some freetime before the concert as well, and so they went out for a few beers.

When I was asked how the concert went, I said "It was exciting! It was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded!"

What's the difference between a saxaphone and a chainsaw?
The exhaust.

How does a trumpet player introduce himself?
"Hi, I'm better than you"

How many Bari Sax players does it take to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ten; one to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms.
*cough* AARON! *cough*



cheers
ford

i like the last one! *wink wink*

er... i supose they would all make more sence if I knew which instrument is what...?

yes and no... its more the people who play the instrument... ow...
wink wink wink wink!! ow! my brother gave me a black eye cuz he through a cup at my head!! ow owowowowow!! I HATE HIM!
cheers
ford

I LOVE YOU FORD!!!

why?
cheers
ford-with-a-black-eye

because i do so there!

well i love








































you too! haha
cheers
ford




~~~HAPPY~NEW~YEAR~~~

very nice! lol

but its true!
cheers
ford

blah......i love ya too!

cheers
ford

nice.....

OH! is chris's bro gay?!
cheers
ford

no, y???

oops

WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

HOWDO yoU TAKE COMMENTS OFF SOMEONE'S SItE?!?!
shit shit shit! STUPID STUPID STUPID!
ok.. on his site, he said
"and it looks like things are going pretty well for my brother and his life partner justin..."
SO I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY AND I SAID HES COOL! AH!!
HELP ME!

WAIT!!!!!! CHRIS'S BROTHER IS GAY!!!!!! SHIT IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS DON'T WORRY YOUR FINE!!!!!!!! CALM DOWN!!!

ARE YOU SURE?!
CHEERS
NERVOUS FORD!