h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am stressing much, for little reason. Unfortunately I can't get this stress out of my system, because there is nothing I can do to get rid of it without relying on other people.

This is my second day at university this week (it's friday). I've already missed half my lectures, and I don't care. The only reason I came on wednesday was to finish the organisation of a trip this weekend with the medieval group I'm involved with. (Who meet on wednesdays, see?) The trip was this weekend about to hit, and the venue was a place called Te toto gorge, on the slopes of mount Karioi, just south of Raglan, half an hour out of Hamilton.
I've been there before, and it's a place I love. It's a very spiritual place... literally. There are lots of spirits still living there, most of them from an unfortunate mass murder which occured a couple of centuries ago. I find the locals friendly and welcoming, so it doesn't bother me too much that they're already dead.
However, I don't expect I'll see them this weekend, because the trip got cancelled this morning. Every single person who had agreed to drive us there pulled out at the last minute, leaving me facing a dismal weekend at home, by myself. =8(

I really needed to get out of the city this weekend; I'm not okay. I'm failing my courses because I'm too depressed to go to my lectures, and am not getting the help I need and am entitled to, in my assignements. I sent a very bitchy e-mail on wednesday to the head tutor of one of my papers, and the reply I read this morning was not what I needed to hear. I'm less than a hair's breadth away from pulling out of three of this semester's four papers.
I'm broke, I'm miserable, and I'm essentially alone. I can't keep motivating myself - I just don't have the energy any more. I need help.

Wendy wants me to come to her flatwarming next weekend, and I desperately want to. But I got a polite letter from my landlords a few days ago, pointing out that my automatic payments for my rent had bounced, due to insufficient funds in my account. My bank are supposed to tell me when that happens, but I haven't heard anything from them. Also with the account type I have, I'm supposed to have an extra $500 on top of my overdraft, where although I get charged interest on it it's still available. But it's not there. I found out yesterday that because the bank are instead charging me $25 each time an AP bounces, as a 'dishonour fee'... it's now happened three times in a row without me noticing. That's $75 gone.

I can't keep doing this.
I need to escape.
My university studies are the only things I enjoy, and the only things keeping me alive. But I can't live like this. There is nothing here for me.
If I do pull out of those three papers, then I will have time for a part time job... maybe even close to full time hours if I can fit it around the last paper.
That's assuming I can find a job. There aren't many to be had around here. Even crap ones are hard to find. But it may be the only way I can live, so I have to try.

I haven't enjoyed my life. If this happens to be the last time you hear from me, remember that I'd much prefer a short unhappy life, than a long unhappy life.
Thank you H2G2. Thank you Wendy. Thank you Ambrese. Even though you're all so far away, just knowing that you're there has helped.
I hope to talk to you again soon.
Jeremy.

Jerms.... don't be afraid to let other people help you. Things will improve, people care about you - you are an interesting and thoughtful person, remember that.

Please keep in touch, and don't despair,

Candi.

I concur. See, there are more people out there that know about you and care, even if you weren't aware of there existence. Well, did you know I existed? *smiles*

*shrug* There ain't a lot I can say. What I can say is that three days ago I came out with the line- 'But I don't want to die yet!' I hadn't thought or said that in over five years. I'd either wanted to, or simply didn't care. Stuff Gets You Down. Hell, there seems to be enough that I can relate to. Read a few journal entries of mine back and I wasn't a happy bunny either.
Focus on one thing at a time. What ever you do, try not to think of it all at once or it might just overwhelm you. But then, you've probably figured that out by now.

Ah, I'm going to stop talking. I'm probably not helping. But I will leave you with a and let you know that there are more people out there who think you are great than you might think. I am one of them. I lurk too muvh these days.


Vip x




Email me if you want to talk to a stranger. Seriously. laura_sheep at hotmail dot com. The offer is there if it'd help, hope that's okay.

Thanks guys. I know there are people out there who care. But they're all... out there. You know? I've never met any of you, I don't know what you look like, how you act, or what kind of people you are. You really can't help me in the personal sense, because you're too removed. I know this doesn't sound very positive, or grateful, but I am grateful to you. It's just a pity you're over there, when I wish you were here.
Wait. No I don't. I wish I was there instead. This country is killing me.

BTW, I have no fear of letting other people help me; I'm already doing it as much as I can. I already eat five dinners out of six each week at other people's places, because I can't afford to feed myself. But these people all have their own problems and can't help me with mine. All the people who could teach me how to cope have done so well for themselves that they've all managed to leave the country already. The ones who are left are like me, and having to scrabble in the mud, as it were.
People keep telling me that things will improve; I wish I could believe them. But every time I make the mistake of thinking that things are looking up, something else blindsides me and I'm back in the mud again.

I've been trying the 'one thing at a time' routine - that's why I haven't been to uni in over a week. I've decided I'm going to have to throw two, maybe three, of my four papers out the window, and do what I can to get a part-time job, although logistics are against me on that one... this week there has been advertised all of one job which I'm qualified to do, and I guarantee more than 50 people will apply. Pity the position is for call-centre marketing, and not really worth fighting for.

*sigh* I'm having trouble trying to get my words out at the moment, and I don't want to give you wrong impressions. So I'll just simply say: I'm frustrated with my life, and have been for years. I want to change, I need to change, and I have a good idea what needs changing, but I need help to do it. I don't have the tools, the motivation or the energy any more. Picture someone in a pool of muddy water with steep dirt sides all around it. That's me. I can try to scrabble out for only so long, before I become too weary and slide back down into the pool. I'm drowning. You can see the look in my eyes which tells you that I'm ready to sink, because I don't have the energy to swim any more. I just need the world to throw me a rope, instead of continually throwing rocks at my head.
Perhaps if I let myself sink then I can finally sleep and not wake up... but I don't want to. There's so much I want to /do/, and so much I could /be/. The potential is there, I know it is. But there's no /kinetic/.

I'm sick of thinking about my life. I'm going to shut up now, and go read about other people's instead.

Thanks for being there.

I don't know what to say, except I'm glad you replied. I know it's very hard to believe at the moment but it is worth plodding on. You're doing well. Keep it up, and please keep in touch.



Candi.

*wry smile*

There's no point in throwing a rope if I'm too far away to reach the hole. You may be able to hear it, and it's kinda nice to know that there's a rope there somewhere, but it doesn't really help. *nods*

I guess all I can do is sympathise. Oh, and don't worry, I don't think you'll offend anybody for saying the things you did, it just makes it a tad hard to reply because... we're here, and not with you.


Vip x