h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I woke up suddenly at just gone 2am. I was standing in the living room, in front of the phone, which was ringing. So I answered it.

"Rita?" said a sweet-voiced foreign-sounding woman at the other end.

Summoning my powers of speech from beyond the realms of sleep, I told her she'd got the wrong number. She didn't understand. I explained slowly that there was no Rita living here.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

I said I was certain: there had never been a Rita at this phone number. The woman burst into tears and cried, "oh, Rita! What am I going to do? It has been so very long since I last spoke to Rita! Can't you go and get her for me? I need to speak to her!"

I asked what number she'd (thought she had) phoned. She didn't want to tell me at first, and I sure as hell wasn't going to give her *my* number first. In the end she told me. It was this number alright, and I said so.

"Are you Rita?" she asked.

"No."

"Are you lying to me? You sound like Rita."

"No. My name is [Snailrind]."

"[Snailrind]?"

"Yes."

Even in my quarter-awake state, I was amazed: nobody ever gets my name right on the phone. It's a simple enough name but, being made up, people always translate it into some other name they're more used to. This lady got it in one.

She started crying harder, and calling on Rita repeatedly. I thought she must be in some kind of terrible trouble.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked her.

"You can bring me a chocolate bar," she replied, and laughed, and hung up.

wow!

Did you try 1471 to check whether it was someone you ought to know?

It was 'number withheld'.

When I lived in halls of residence, as a student, if you dialled any four numbers, it would connect you to another extension somewhere in the halls. Asides from the constant prank calls, sometimes you’d get a drunk who felt like a conversation with a random person! That’s how I met one of my best friends!

As for the Rita call, perhaps it’s better with a sense of mystery. I’m sure you’ve been imagining the story behind the call, and the reality could be quite mundane. It’s still very touching regardless.

Are you sure you weren't dreaming?!

You're right, Quixote, my mind has been coming up with all sorts of ideas about the woman.

I'm sure I wasn't dreaming, but only because Gothly woke up and heard my side of the conversation from the bedroom. However, I did get the peculiar impression that I was talking to someone who was asleep; it was a lot like conversations I've had with sleep-talkers.

I am wondering if any kind of chocolate bar would have done, or whether she was in search of a specialty one that only Rita knew where to find?

Interestingly, I do know of a Rita who speaks a bit like me and who sells, among other things, speciality chocolate bars.

She's a member of a dodgy religious cult called The Life Foundation.

I just Googled for The Life Foundation and it seems there are a lot of organisations with the same name. These are the people I mean: http://www.lifefoundation.org.uk/

They look so innocuous, don't they? Boo. Hiss.

I've done prank phonecalls myself... Only they were directed at people that call our household at inconvenient times... I'd trick people into thinking they'd phoned a takeaway delivery service, Indian, Canton or Pizza... I might have pretended to be Mortuary once too.

Some how the conversation transcript reminds me of Suz... I two ways... One way that seems all the more valid for your mention it being like talking to someone in their sleep It reminded me of trying to talk to her when she was having a 'Visitation' or other psychotic experiences... And also the humour behind the prank is like the thing Suz would come up with if you wanted to mean...

Do you reckon it could have been a prank, then, Kamanchi? My latest theory is that it was someone calling from a local psychi ward, which would automatically register as "number withheld."

I've pretended to be an aardvark emporium a few times when answering the phone. For a while, I had the complete works of Coleridge by the phone, which I was hoping to read to a hapless salesperson to see how long they took to hang up, but they kept calling when I was right in the middle of something, so I never got the chance. I also thought about asking one if she'd accepted the love of Jesus Christ into her heart, but then it occurred to me that she might have, so I dropped that idea.

Both are possibilities... I wouldn't make a definite pronouncement that it was a prank…

I have a great technique with cold call sales people. I say absolutely truthfully "pardon je suis ENGLISH & i haven't a clue what you are saying, so either say it in English, or if you can't, would you like some lessons? 25 euros an hour to you mate."

It seems to work.

zdt