h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As I take the view that Reiki is a load of bollocks, you might wonder what possessed me to book an extended session with a Reiki healer. It all started with the snow.

We live in one of the world's beauty spots, and from our house one can see a vista of crags and peaks that's enough to take the breath away. The Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand, sure, but it was this landscape, our landscape, on which Tolkien based his books. This month, when it snowed on the mountains and they were all glowing pink and peach in the sunset, with their cliffs reduced to blue shadows, I was reminded yet again why I chose to come and live here.

Then the cold got into my joints. The pain was annoying, but the fact that I could barely hold a pen, when my main pastime is writing, was too much. I tried to massage my knuckles and knees and what have you, but I'd lost the strength in my fingers, so I decided to pay somebody else to do it. I already had a session booked with my osteopath, who generally hooks me up to a big machine like a giant octopus, full of arms and suckers; I cancelled this and swapped it for a massage session with someone at the same clinic. I got the Reiki healer.

I've had sessions with this woman on numerous occasions, and I usually come out feeling uppity. To be fair, she tries very hard, and I'm probably her fussiest client. I got to her treatment room to find she'd heated it up specially because I complain about the cold, and she'd brought in a blanket to drape over me; she remembered my hatred of being prodded in my Reiki-spots, whatever they're called (as far as I'm concerned, this entails being prodded in places which are not meant to be prodded, and I'm having none of it), so there was no prodding.

At the outset, I gave her a detailed description of what I wanted done. Not that it stopped her from sneaking in a bit of Reiki; I guess if it's her profession, she must believe in it. As a patient, it's easy to differentiate between remedial and Reiki massage: remedial massage is relaxing and energising, whereas Reiki massage feels like you're being rubbed (or prodded) in random spots which bear no relation to your topology, and with no discernible positive effect. I'm given to understand that some Reiki healers just sort of wave their hands about in the air above you--they must be laughing all the way to the bank.

I probably shouldn't have initiated a conversation with her, but I told her I'd been thinking about doing a firewalk in the summer. She described one that she'd done once: she thought it was her mental state that had enabled her to do it, rather than the insulating property of the charcoal. Every time I talk to her I find myself right the other end of the reality spectrum. With most people, I don't mind this at all, but therapists are different: their beliefs can be translated into actions which directly affect my health.

Anyway. By the end of the session, I admit I was relaxed. Very relaxed. I'm at my most suggestible straight after a massage / octopus session, and will agree to anything.

"Shall I mix you up a bit of oil to help your joints?" trilled the Reiki healer. "Celery seed and chamomile are good, and I can add some ginger, which is very warming."

Ginger... warming...

"That would be nice," I said, thinking how kind she was being.

"What size bottle would you like?" she asked, and the germ of an awareness that maybe I'd be required to pay for the stuff coalesced in the fog that was my brain.

"Um...," I said, trying to remember how transactions worked, "small."

So she filled a small blue bottle with carrier oil and added a few drops of essential oils from her arsenal. The fog lifted a little.

"How much will it cost?" I asked, still half-thinking I'd be getting it for free.

"Eight pounds," she said brightly. "Is that okay?"

Eight pounds! That was like a pound per drop! Eight pounds is a lot of money to me.

"Yes," I murmured, "that's fine."

So I forked out an extra eight quid on top of what I'd already paid for this *extended* massage session, for a little blue bottle of stuff that (it turned out) didn't work *at all*. Resentment began to set in on the way home. A quid per drop for a bottle of crap that smells like shit. I could have bought a bottle of Olbas Oil (which *does* work) for a quarter of the price.

The thing which really got to me was the fact that I'd spent about £1.50 on my home-made Mother's Day present--that's including card and postage--because I'd been trying to conserve money. If I had to throw away eight quid, I'd much rather have thrown it in the direction of my mother and got her something nice for Mother's Day.

Eight quid. Sheesh.

That's the *last time* I see that Reiki healer.



...And this time I mean it.

Ah, so the aim of relaxing the client in therapy is not to make them feel better at all but to give the conman a greater chance of extracting more money. Shopping malls (which are designed to make many people not want to leave) are probably more honest about it. Same technique though.

You need a faster-acting cynicism chip fitted. At the moment you are possibly in the worst state because you *know* you've been conned. A bit faster and you wouldn't be conned. No cynicism circuits at all and you'd still be blissfully unaware you'd been conned.

Hi Snailrind, I don't think much of Reiki myself. As for the ginger, a bottle of 10ml cost £2-£8 depending on quality and thats not mixed in with a carrier. Yep, don't go back.

I'd never heard of it till now.

Olbas oil is wonderful stuff, I like Rose oil too...you can get nice oils from Weleda.com

Shame she took advantage of you.

I am sorry the weather has you down. Hope you will be feeling better as the solstice approaches.

When my fingers are at their worst and the weather is nastiest, I soak my hands in a sinkful of warm water, or if I have a little more strength in my fingers to hold a mug, I microwave some water. You've probably already thought of this, though. Normally, I wouldn't use capsaicin because I tend to be careless and smear it where it burns, but when my hands hurt the most, I tend to be aware of everything I do with them. This is time consuming though, so perhaps not as useful as Olaba or Arnica Montana.

Voice recognition has supposedly gotten better, but it still seems expensive.

PS The thread title reminded me that I might not have shown you this link (NB takes a while to load all the images):
http://waynesword.palomar.edu/plmay97.htm
It has Jack and the Beanstalk potential, provided Jack is a small primate.

Sorry to hear about this, Snailrind. That is a manipulative practice, it sounds like. Might you complain to the clinic? What is Olbas?

Hello, everyone.

I'm over it now. The Reiki healer was only doing her job. Eight years of dealing with hard-nosed sales reps on a daily basis at my bookshop means I should have known better. Not only that, but I normally make it a rule to remind myself at the outset of a session not to agree to *anything* at the end, because I know what I get like. I was just an idiot this time. But it is more satisfying to blame others for my own slip-ups.

Sorrel, from now on I'll stick to buying bottles of my favourite oils and I'll mix 'em up myself.

I agree, Vix, Rose oil has a lovely smell. I found out recently that it complements frankinsense really well--you wouldn't think it, would you?

"Normally, I wouldn't use capsaicin because I tend to be careless and smear it where it burns, but when my hands hurt the most, I tend to be aware of everything I do with them"

That is a problem. I'm in the habit of absent-mindedly rubbing my eyes. I have to wear gloves with the Olbas Oil.

I'm sorry to learn that you have the same problem.

Warm water does indeed work better than anything, but only while I'm immersed in it. I've been having some blissfully luxurious baths lately.

"Voice recognition has supposedly gotten better, but it still seems expensive."

What

SEF, those sea hearts are brill! I would love to hold one of those seeds in my hand. I saw the plants briefly on a Ray Mears' Bushcraft programme, in which he showed people how to use them for soap. I had no idea they were so cool, though.

"What is Olbas?"

Olbas is a trade name. Hang on.... *Reads ingredients.*

"Cajuput oil, clove oil, eucalyptus oil, juniper berry oil, menthol, mint oil, wintergreen oil." As you can see, it's full of stuff which brings the blood to the surface of the skin wherever you apply it. It's extremely warming. Sniffing it when you've got a cold can blast your nose and sinuses clear. In the eyes, it feels like chilli oil.

Anyway, the snow has begun to melt and the mountains are looking all wild and rugged again, and my thumbs and ankles are the only joints still giving me gyp.

Those are great, the Sea Hearts - David Attenborough touched on those at one time also - there was a slow moving shot of them splitting open.

What is a coffee adulterant?

I wouldn't have thought that about frankinsense I have had the same trouble with Olbas oil on my skin, especially when accidentally touched under the nose, or if you have a cold and have two tissues one liberally coated in Olbas to clear your head and the other, well you know...and then used the wrong one....*arrGGHHH* Olbas oil is great in a sauna thrown over the coals or heating stuff.

juniper berry oil - very... Invigorating.

"What is a coffee adulterant?"

Isn't it just "stuff that's mixed in with coffee"?

(Hi, Nyxkind.)

One would assume so, but reading that the Sea Heart beans are used as a coffee adulterer on that page I just wondered...what that meant.

Maybe they're chaper than coffee beans and bulk it out or something. Hmmm.

Anyone? SEF?

I don't drink coffee. As far as I'm concerned it has already adulterated what you've put it into - viz the water.

Has anyone tried selling magic beans on eBay? I'm tempted to give it a go, though apparently they don't like people selling their souls on the site, so maybe they're against magic stuff in general.