h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I went to the corner shop yesterday to pick up some bits and pieces, and they had the radio playing in the background.

"Scientists have shown," said the DJ, "that it's possible to tell a woman's personality from the type of breasts she's got."

The young woman behind the counter burst out laughing. "Not a lot of personality in my case, then!" she remarked.

My eyes inadvertently moved to her very tight top and, flustered, I hastily scanned the display stands and tried to remember what I had come in for as the DJ wittered on. "...Sexologist at..." crisps, or was it peanuts "...University claims that, contrary to belief, women with large, rounded breasts like..." bread rolls "...are not maternally minded, but they eat a lot and they like to be pampered..." chocolate? "...and they're not very interested in sex." Four pints of milk and a TV guide. (I placed my shopping on the counter.) "On the other hand, women with small, firm..."

"Do you want anything else?" asked the shop girl in the tight top. Embarrassed, I avoided her eyes.

"...like ripe cherries..."

I remembered that her eyes were what I should have been looking at, so I looked at them and in a dignified voice said, "D-er, duh, um, no thanks," and grinned sheepishly.

She laughed again. "It's hard to concentrate with that radio on, isn't it?" she said.

I couldn't get out of the shop quick enough.

You should have asked (in a pointed manner) whether she thought the distraction of the radio helped or harmed sales...

I'm glad it wasn't me there, I'd've been ing and stammering, sounds like she has a good (if slightly impish) sense of humour

Yes, B'cat. I don't consider myself to be easily embarrassed, but I was caught off guard this time. SEF, if I'd tried to ask such a pointed question, it'd have come out as, "so do you, I mean, that is, are your cherries hindered by the sales?"

I really was best off keeping my trap shut.

Pity I'm thousands of miles away. Breasts are a lovely part of the human body, but because I am as gay as the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra-la, I have no particular desire to touch, so they don't fluster me. I'd have stared pointedly at hers for as long as absolutely necessary, and then arched one eyebrow.

That's odd, 'cos being a bit tra-la didn't seem to help me....


Speaking of tra-la, a RL friend of mine was telling me about a Billy Connolly sketch the other day:

"Why do so many gay guys walk like this?" (Takes little mincing steps.)

"Because there's not enough room for them to walk like this." (Skips along joyfully, swinging his arms.)

I saw that sketch a while back... Did make me chortle. There were quite a few 'tra-la' and visual jokes in the show.

Was it the same session in which he was talking about an aromatherapist at the scene of an accident? "Let me rub this calming lavender oil into your earlobes to help your severed leg."

I'm sorry; I haven't a clue. I have an appalling memory.

That's the thing with Billy Connolly. He rambles on about a wide range of tenuously linked subjects every time he does a show.